The Cat Rants

Opening Notes

2007-12-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

The Cat Rants are meant for entertainment purposes only. They are not designed to give you a warm and loving glow because of how bad you feel you were treated by your parents, other family members, or the people that you went to school with. These are mearly things that pop into d.cat chopra's head at any given time. They are not designed to help you define your belief system.

d.cat chopra enjoys your comments and will respond most of the time but he isn't interested in getting into long involved discussions about why you don't agree with him. These are rants. They are not cocktail conversations. Take them as they are intended and then go interact with those who think the same way that you do or go seek professional help in dealing with your insistence that everything that you encounter must fit in with your peer group's world view (or how invalid things are if they don't fit in with same).

Art isn't yours.

It just exists.

Thank you.

If you'd care to know more about me go here:

http://www.angelfire.com/ca5/drunkenhousecat/

Psych 102

2007-03-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

i love people who don't believe in psychology
like pavlov was a wanker or something
damn
those fuckers really make me laugh...

Make It A Double!

2007-03-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

sometimes
it's kinda like
i can only be honest if i'm drunk
and
spilling poetry
(if i may be so bold)
straight out of my guts
straight from my heart
straight from my hand
to these pixels
no brain in the way
sloppy and cryptic feelings
pooled like the spillage around a shot glass
if you could drag your finger through them
you could draw liquid pictures
and
if you waited long enough
watch them evaporate
sucked into the air like a whisper
invisible vapor
the ravings of a guy who's only slightly mad
just insane enough to try and capture clouds
but sane enough to sometimes set them free
before his fingers freeze
in some lame ass claw shape
a superhero of sorts
but only if you squint
in just the right way

Kicked In The Butt By Love

2007-03-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

Look...

I've been in love before. Lots of times. I'm talkin' real love here, sports fans. Talkin' The Big L, Baby! Heart of my heart and all of that. Soulmate City. The kind of love where you say, "Damn the potatoes! Full speed ahead! I fucking love you, you hot mamma you!" and you don't really care all that much how the object of your desire reacts. You only know that if you don't say it loud and proud your chest may very well explode what with trying to contain the big ass wonder and joy that your poor throbbing soul is pumping into your poor throbbing head (or something like that). Hey, Sparky! We're talkin' L-O-V-E here!

Then we have crushes.

I don't know about you but it seems like most of the women I end up with crushes on are just too damn young. Of course we have to factor in my age in order to get a clear view of what I'm talking about. I'm fifty-one, man. At this point in my life Drew Barrymore is too damn young. Sure, it's a pisser but what am I gonna do about it? Women my age are hanging out in malls riding wheelchairs, for Christ's sake! Trust me on this, I know of what I speak! And, Hey! While we're dwelling on women who are too damn young and people who hang out in malls let me tell you a little story. I promise it won't hurt and you just might learn something you can use later in life...

Back in 1988 I worked in a store in the Beverly Center, a slightly famous upscale mall located here in Los Angeles. All in all it was a pretty cool gig. We had songs on tape and customers would come in, sing along, and leave with a tape of themselves butchering the fuck out of a Beatles tune or whatever. It was fun most of the time and somehow our store became a sort of a hangout for both pre and early teenaged girls! Wanna talk about job stress? Try being a red, white, and blue blooded American guy in his early thirties who has killer teenage babettes in real tight clothes asking if you'd like to be their daddy! Man, that's stress in Cinerama and six track Dolby stereo! I'd go home at night, deal with myself for about twenty minutes, sleep, and wake up, shave my palms, and head off for work.

But enough about me...

One of the chicklets that became a regular fixture was a thirteen-year-old actress/model named Angora. You may have heard of her. Maybe not.

She was beautiful, gang, I shit you not! A dollface with a side salad! It was as if the word "dollface" was created just for her. She dressed great, looked great, smelled great. Just fucking great, daddy-o! She made me insane with all sorts of nasty thoughts that I really don't think I have to explain right here and now. Does the name Humbert ring a bell? I mean, Kee-Reist! This girl was on my Christmas wish list for sure!

But enough about me...

These kids would hang out in the mall after school and on weekends. As the assistant manager I was allowed to give our services away to anyone I liked at any time o' day and there were a couple of these girls that I'd let do pretty much anything they wanted. It was an honor and a thrill just to see them smile. It got to the point where it almost seemed like the primary focus of my job was making people smile and if they were cute and female so much the better.

Everything else was just grunt work, psychic payment in order to get the chance to do the smilework I felt I was born to do. I loved it! Their eyes would light up and their fresh, painfully pretty faces would sparkle like a pinball machine. At times I felt like a really small god, "Your wish is granted, my child! Go forth and have a bitchin' day!" It was cool.

Anywayz...

One day Angora came into the store and asked if she could do a song for free. I was bored that day and felt a little snotty. "Nope!" I said, "What do you think this is? Your house?"

"Oh, please?" she asked, "Please, please, please, please, please?"

"Nope." I snapped, "No way."

She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek, whispering soft and low in my ear, "Pleeeaaassseee?'

BLAMMO!

At that exact moment I fell in love with her. She was beautiful, playful, young, warm, firm, slightly weird, and one hell of a cheek kisser.

"Well..." I pleaded, "If I give you a free song will you marry me?" Hey! I was serious, man.

"I can't." she said.

"Why not?"

"Because," she replied, "You're just too fucking old!"

WHAMMO!

It hit me like a wet brick. What the fuck was I thinking? I was asking a thirteen-year-old girl to marry me! She was so underage it was insane. Besides I was already in love with a twenty-three-year old woman that worked in a store across the way from ours. Like I was gonna throw all of that away and go spend a few years getting raped in prison for a thirteen-year-old girl? Geeze! Was I nuts? It was time for me to get a king-sized grip and I'd best do it on the double!

I laughed it off, gave her a free song, and tried to act casual about it. I gotta tell you though, it hurt me bad. I fell in and out of love in less than a minute. Ouch! It was like I had a mini heart attack or something. What the hell? Sure, our love would never happen but at least I had a grip.

Ah, well...

But

...the crush remained.

She'd come into the store now and then and ask for a free song. I'd say, "No way, baby." like I was some big time hard ass and she'd beg and plead and gaze warmly into my eyes. Then I'd give in and she'd hug me and thank me and kiss my cheek. That was as far as it went. Ever. It was very bittersweet.

I had made myself a promise: I'd never make a big deal out of it again. I was determined to carry my crush like a grown up (or at least carry it as close as I could to being a grown up) and never let Milla know that in a small way she would always own a piece of my heart (at least I wouldn't tell her until she became eighteen). Sure it was a big fat shoulder-crushing bummer but I learned something important along the way.

Love is amazing. It can make you kill dragons and sing show tunes from rooftops but crushes are more private things that you carry deep in your heart. Love can move mountains and cause countries to go to war but only a crush can make a thirty two-year-old guy punch a lamp across a living room. They are the kind of thing you wear deep inside your soul because if you spill the beans you might get your heart broken. Or your face. Or maybe your ass will end up in jail. Or in the ground. Or all of the above. C'mon! Who needs that shit?

Love and crushes are both life lessons and both are wonderful. The downside is that you never know how wonderful until years later.

CUT TO:

Years later.

Sometimes I remember all of this.

Wanna talk about bittersweet?

Man, I'm the poster boy for bittersweet!

But enough about me...

I Might Have Done This Before

2007-03-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

I sit in this room
And I'm bored
And lonely
I feel unloved part of the time
Not always
But from time to time
It beats me down
And I drink so I don't think
It's kind of like lighting a match in the dark
But I go too far
From time to time
And the match burns my finger
And I curse the darkness
And I howl at the moon
It don't mean nothing
It's just the venting "wherewolf"
Raising his stupid head
The id punching the super ego
With a silver fist
I'm a genius
I'm an artiste
And I'm insane
I'm not violent
I mean no harm
I'm just a pain in the ass
I'm nothing to fear
But
From time to time
I am something to ignore

The Old Mike Piece

2007-03-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

the best of mike myers was on snl a few weeks ago. whatever happened to that guy? he used to be fucking funny.

any movie that dares to be called "goldmember", as if that's a great joke is not the kind of movie i have the slightest interest is seeing. he says the word "mole" about a hundred times and some lameass pop chick is a fake pam greer?

fuck fucking that.

"goldmember", huh?

i guess the title "prickfinger" was already taken. how about "reallybigpussy"? "moonkisser"? "dr. no penis"? how about "from russia with a glove"? ooh! i got it! "thunderballs"! pretty funny, huh? "thunderballs"? it's just like "thunderball" only when you add an "s" on the end 12 year olds will giggle. man! i love comedy! where's my check?

geeze...

i can't believe anyone even cares about that movie.

Ripping Off Eddie Grant

2007-03-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

"Baltic Avenue"

We're sitting 'round on a Sunday
And we ain't got nothing to do
Somebody pulls down a board game
And decide that they'll be the shoe

"Oh, yeah!"

CHORUS:
We gonna roll and move past Baltic Avenue
And then pick up a Chance card
We gonna roll and move past Baltic Avenue
And then pick up a Chance card

I take the top hat and place it
On the square that we all call Home
I toss the dice and get doubles
So again my turn gets to go

"Oh, boy!"

CHORUS

Your roll...
Let's go...
Your roll...
Let's go...

CHORUS

I got a nine and I'm landing
On the space where parking is free
Race car just bought Marvin Gardens
And screwed up my Monopoly

"Oh, no!"

CHORUS

Monopoly...
Monopoly ...
Going to jail...
Can't afford the bail...

CHORUS

Play it in the daytime
Play it in the night ...

Flipping

2007-03-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

whenever i flip through a magazine and i hit on a cd or dvd ad i always count off the ones i want. i have always done this, even back when it was an ad for an lp club.

'round about high school whenever i changed TV stations i have always counted off the chicks i want to sleep with.

after the count is done i forget about it.

i swear i've never noticed this before.

DAMN!

I'M FUCKING CRAZY!!!

I'm Actually This Crazy

2007-03-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

"The First Animated Church (of everything) or F.A.C.(e.)"

1)

It's my opinion that every holy book or idea can be summed up in two simple words: "Be Cool" (think about it). As this is the case I don't really feel that anyone needs to know anything else. All one has to do is remember to "Be Cool". This is the be all and end all of "The Church".

2)

There are no dues to pay, no humans that you have to persecute, and I am not a boss or leader. I'm just the asshole who thought of this one night while rather stoned. There is also nothing else that you have to read or study, what is in your eyes right now is all you need. You also only have to be as cool as you are capable of. Just do what you can. That is all anyone CAN do, right?

3)

The abbreviation of the church's title is pronounced "fay-saw", extremely bad French for the word "face".

4)

Seeing as to how every church should have a logo here's the one I came up with: the two words "Be Cool". It should be on a T-shirt, printed upside down. So that, if you are in a tense or volatile situation and you find yourself confused, all you have to do is look down and read your shirt. To my mind the letters should be in a simple white font on a black shirt but you are free to use whatever style or colors you'd like.

5)

Making fun of somebody else's shirt is fucked up and, therefore "Not Cool" (maybe they don't have a lot of money). If someone copyrights this idea and sells shirts for profit they are fucked up and "Not Cool".

6)

If you'd rather you could wear a button that says "Be Cool" upside down and refer to that. Profits made on these would be pretty fucked up as well.

7)

Then again...you don't really have to do anything.

8)

Or give a flying fuck about what you have just read.

9)

Do whatever you think is cool. Just as long as it is really what is in your heart.

10)

That's all there is to it.

In Dreams

2007-02-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

i had a dream where i was fighting molemen with the fantastic four. at one point ben was cornered and really started kicking ass. he yelled. 'it's clobberin' time, bitches!' and i woke up laughing. i love when i wake up laughing.

The Old Thanksgiving Piece

2007-02-13T22:54:00.000-08:00

what am i thankful for?

i guess that my country hasn't locked me up in some kind of camp so they can shut me up. that i can rant and rave like the unsane asshole that i am and post those ravings on the net. that there are actually people that bother reading my pointless shit. that i do feel love most of the time even though that whole late sixties/early seventies thing that i believed in more than anything ever died in fucking wimp ass flames as my co-people sold out for big fucking cars and shit like vh1 and american idol. that no matter what happens someone, somewhere, at sometime will raise his or her head and say 'fuck this shit! frank zappa was amazing!'. that at some point the american spirt will win out even though there is really no such thing right now. that freedom is just another word for kiss my ass, you stupid fucking drone.

i love this country.

i'm just really fucking pissed of at what has happened to it

My Peace Prize

2007-02-13T22:51:00.000-08:00

oh, man!

i just had a great idea!

seriously!

check this shit out
i mean

i should get a nobel peace prize offa this motherfucker
check it out
famous people should do public service announcements
wherein they say
"Hi! I famous and you know what? I masturbate. You should too!"

i bet there'd be a lot less suicide
and people joining cults
and drug users
and murder
and war

yeah

i rule

i know

i know

i fucking know...

Paper

2007-02-13T22:48:00.000-08:00

i was out of toilet paper last night. i hate that. yeah, who doesn't, right? so i'm stuck, sitting there and i figure, what the hell? so i'm ripping up the constitution, cuz it's pretty much worthless these days anyway. and i saw something printed on the back. it says (and i'm paraphrasing here), 'if you're too fucking stupid to look at the titles of songs that you listen to and you really think that the clash did a song called 'stop the catbox' or whatever you should go to your local post office and tell someone right away so that you can be killed. quickly and painfully but fucking killed. you know, just to help make the world a better place.'.

now

i didn't write the thing.
i'm just reporting what i saw.
there's really no need to get mad at me...

KISS THIS!!!

2007-02-13T22:47:00.000-08:00

you know that thing?

where you kiss someone
or maybe you don't
and you exhale
and make a woof sound
or an oof sound
or a shoof sound
not a sound that can be turned into a word
just a tasty exhale
and the other person
breathes that in
they just be who they are and the moment clicks
and your toes fucking tingle
because you are just in the mo
and it's all good?

how could you hurt people after about fifteen or twenty of those?

why would you give a flying fuck about a car?

or a bank account?

or what you have been told on the news?

it's life, kids

stop stopping it

dig the fucker til you die

cuz

um

you will..

Mustard

2007-02-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

dude!

what's the deal with mustard?

salami and mustard
pastrami and mustard
your mommy and mustard

that shit fucking rocks, man!

The Switch

2007-02-13T22:44:00.000-08:00

if

there was a switch
a frankenstein switch
a big wooden handle
locking the metal contacts into switchness switch

and

CLICK!

SWITCH!

i wouldn't be here anymore

i'd flip that mo-fo like a coin
but
the pain and guilt that i'd pass on to the now?
when i check out?
the questions that i leave in my wake?
the way i make others wonder
why they fucked up?

i really can't do that...

but
christ
dude

it's really not my world anymore
i'm the biggest stick in the mud that you have ever heard of
i'm proof of nothing
i'm more than ready to pass that same stick on

so

go nuts!

live your top forty
MOR
and the hits just keep on coming!
i'd rather not think about anything
and just fit in
life

i'll just watch from over here

i'll be in the back of the bus

the guy hitting off the bottle in the paper bag...

Stuff I Want

2007-02-13T22:43:00.000-08:00

they can't ALL be amazing, you know? the muses tap my shoulder and i pass the experiments on to you. it's hit and miss. i'm just a pop culture plumber. i go with the flow that flows how it goes when it flows and flows the way that it goes. i create so my head doesn't kill me. i'm nothing more than a guy who thinks up weird stuff and posts them. i'm the guy your mother never warned you about because she never knew a guy like me existed. i'm a nightmare with velvet gloves. i'm the pimp of the soft and slow slap to the face. i really want you to question the world around you. i want you to doubt. i want you to search. i want you to kick life in the nuts and laugh as it crumples to the floor. i want you to figure out who you are. i want you to get so ahead of the game that you think that i'm a wanker. i want you to love you just because of who you are. i want your friends to think that there is something seriously wrong with you. i want you to break down walls. i want you to blow up cars. i want you to eat nails. i want you to kick in windows. i want you to die with a grin on your face. i want you to pick up the thread. i want you to say fuck this. i want you to point to the speakers in the supermarket and say this fucking sucks. i want you to make fun of trends. i want you to understand that meat is food and that murder is murder. i want you to live. and live. and live. and live. and live. and live. and live. and die. i want you to kill fashion. i want you to break the chains. i want you to know that bling is working for the man. i want you to kiss top 40 off and live for art. i want you to smile. i want you to smile. i want you to smile. i want you to smile. i want you to smile...

Life (as yard sale)

2007-02-13T22:41:00.000-08:00

um...

when you die your life becomes a yard sale
all the stuff that you thought was so important
is just stuff
average people wade through it
as they wait to die
and make it happen
all over again

love people
forgive others
try to understand
go for the zen
give stuff away
give love away
make art
be rude
have fun
kick ass
that's what really counts
nothing else matters

trust me on this

i saw it happen...

Loving Life

2007-02-13T22:39:00.000-08:00

i dunno

i think that
maybe you should start loving your life rather early
if not
when that age thing
kicks in
like a wet brick to the face
you might drink a lot
you know
so you don't roam the streets at night
wanting to punch innocent people
in the gut
just because they remind you of old school teachers
that never warned you about this shit?

Universeseses

2007-02-13T22:37:00.000-08:00

There's only one parallel universe that I'm even slightly interested in. The one where Danny Elfman did the soundtrack for "Ed Wood". Or, you know, the one where Carrie Fisher and I went to the same high school. That could have been kind of cool. Hmmmmmm... the cigarettes don't kill you and shots and malt liquor are free if you don't vote universe wouldn't suck too hard either.

And four or five more years of "Twin Peaks".
Did i mention walking through walls?

NO!
Fuck walking!
Teleportation!
Yeah! That'd be a winner!
Or maybe...

Phew!
Is it tired in here or is it just me?

Milk Is Truth

2007-02-13T22:36:00.000-08:00

you know those milk cartons?
how you should open one end and not the other?
well
when i was a kid
sometimes
the milk carton would be mangled
the other end would be all fucked up and torn up
and it looked like a fucking bomb had gone off in the kitchen
they would say
'stupid milk carton! something should be done about that!'
i would say
'you should have tried to open the other end. milk cartons work that way.'
i'd get grounded for being a smart ass
sometimes i'd get smacked
but
i couldn't let it go
i wanted the truth to be known
that's all i'm really saying here

i'm not a normal person...

Why The Hell Do I Even Bother?

2006-11-23T03:00:00.000-08:00

you know
there's a lot of stupid laws in this country
like
in california
where i live
you can't buy booze between the hours of two in the morning and six
for the life of me i can't imagine why
like
if you show up at one thirty
you can buy a fucking truckload of booze
but
at two
your ass is grass

(as the kids say these days)

but that's the law, daddy
live with the motherfucker
and
yeah
it sucks like a hoover
but
they can't ever change it
cuz
there'd be dipshits
yelling
'it's after two and i bought booze!
yeeeee haw!'
and
then
there'd be a car wreck
or
a murder
or
fucking
whatever

you can't even smoke in bars anymore

what the fuck is that shit?

why can't we have a law where
there are these signs
one has a lit cigarette on it
and
another has a cigarette
with one of those
big red circle crosses on it?

and the owner of the bar gets to choose?

that way
you'd know which bar to go to
you could go where you want to go

some bars would have smoking
some wouldn't

everything would be cool

but

that would never happen

wanna know why?

because then we'd be free

that's why

i hate this stupid fucking world

logic should always win

but

that will never happen either

welcome to the world these days!

stupid people win

and

it's all about bending over

grease up, gang

and smile at the watchmen

it's only gonna get worse...

Kicked In The Butt By City Hall

2006-11-22T05:58:00.000-08:00

when i was about 18 i actually called the city. i wanted to know how i could get help with my fucked up mind. after about nine hours and about fifty four forwards to other people it turned out that, since i'd never kill anybody or blow up a bank or anything that i was pretty much on my own.

they could help me if i was dangerous but, if i was just a pain in the ass i was fucked.

story of my goddamn life, gang...

The "P" Word

2006-11-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

hebbs
(a net friend)
has a prob with the word

'pussy'

(being a rather proper noun)

(if you ask me)

now
it doesn't bother me
as a word
i actually think it's pretty pretty
and
i didn't bring this up
i read it about two weeks ago
and
i've been thinking about it

(um...
not THAT much!
calm
the
fuck
down!)

and

well

how about "toaster"?

it's warm
and it makes loafs rise

and

um?
visually?
sideways?

you know

i'm just putting it out there...

Pants

2006-11-22T05:56:00.000-08:00

wait a minute here!

we've now got cars that can park themselves?

where the hell are my vr pants and marilyn monroe chip?

Humor 101

2006-11-22T05:55:00.000-08:00

there really is this new trend
this thing where we live in such a pc ridden
bullshit
pussy ass country
that being weird is passing for funny
shit like family guy
and borat
and tom greene

i just saw the first 5 minutes of jackass 2
and
it's a freak show
there is no comedy structure

bulls running around smashing shit up and some schmuck's dick in a sock taking on a snake?
that's NOT FUNNY
it's pee pee ca-ca wee wee schoolyard crap

try some marx brothers
get into w.c. fields
snort some bill hicks
check out firesign
eat a plate of zappa

that's fucking anarchy, gang

Thing

2006-11-22T05:54:00.000-08:00

you know that thing?

where you need something
or
maybe you just want it real bad
and fool yourself into needing it
but you can't say what it is
(and you're not just being coy)
because if you say it
it will happen because you mentioned it
and that's not the same as it
actually happening?

i feel that way everyday...

Saturday Afternoon

2006-11-22T05:53:00.000-08:00

so

this friend of my grandmother has lost her mind. she was a sharp old broad, very funny, very cool with her herd of pets. so cool that she took my cat to the cat killer place when the cat was falling apart because i'm just way too much of a wimp to do that kind of thing myself. and she caught this flu or something that knocked her old lady ass into bed and, after the flu went away so did her mind and she's now in an old folks home where she gets lost on the way from her room to the dining room and she doesn't have her animals anymore and her daughter got her a stuffed dog and she petted it and thought that it was a real dog and asked her daughter if the dog might bite. and she used to be so together and now she's all in pieces.

i heard about this
and i snapped a bit

and i drank a lot
and slept a lot
and i woke up
and drank a lot
and slept a lot
because i'm an old fuck
and i'm afraid for my mind

and now it's saturday

how have you guys been?

Them Wacky Gays

2006-11-22T05:51:00.000-08:00

i really
kinda
side with them gay folk
i won't top
or bottom
or nothing
but i do tend to side with them
they're really just people trying to be who they are
just trying to survive
and not cry too much

i have got to respect that
honesty being best and all
life being live

besides

if we wipe them out
who'd be next?

people who just aren't happy?
people who don't give a shit about big useless cars?
people who like to suck down some booze and a bowl of smoke and watch 'the outer limits'?
people who laugh at how stupid we are?

you know

'those weirdos'?

you know

me?

or

you know

you?

Oh!

2006-11-22T05:49:00.000-08:00

you're aware that i don't know fuck all about what i'm talking about

right?

they're all just theories

i'm only a genius/moron

i'm just a putz with a keyboard

and

you are the only you

run with that motherfuckers...

psssssst...

2006-11-22T05:44:00.000-08:00

(i want you guys to stop thinking about the carrot
you should be thinking about who's holding the string)

Fuck!

2006-11-09T09:09:00.000-08:00

fuck videos
fuck mtv
fuck vh1
fuck bet
fuck soul train
fuck your mom
fuck your dad
fuck your teacher
fuck that guy from high school
fuck being sheepish
fuck your radio
fuck your tv
fuck your pod
fuck the net
fuck file sharing
fuck broadband
fuck rap
fuck american idol
fuck that guy with the cool car and the bass speakers
fuck top 40
fuck dancing with the stars
fuck the world
fuck you
fuck me
fuck everything

what ever fucking happened to songs?

You Know, Love Ain't All That Bad

2006-11-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

there's gotta be a word for it. most likely something
yiddish or something. like:

SMURFEL: even though you pretty much hate everything
and want it all to explode in a big ass bloody mess
there are some moments wherein you just wanna swoon
deeply and say something stupid like, "Wow! Nice
tummy!".

or

FLOYNBEE: a deep seated feeling that everything is
really okay after all and that you should shut the
hell up and just groove on it.

maybe

GURFSHULS: so goddamn cute in every sense of the word
that you just melt into a puddle of goop in your shoes
even.

something like that

not that exactly

but

you know

something like that...

(for Heather Michelle)

Voting No On Yes

2006-11-08T00:28:00.000-08:00

i honestly feel that it's your RIGHT to vote
and
your DUTY to vote WISELY
seeing as to how i don't know beans about politics
i don't vote

maybe
just
maybe
you should stay out of it too

i mean
you wouldn't operate on a brain
or
pilot an airplane
would you?

not unless you knew how?

so

why fuck around with an entire country?

Learning Is Free (sort of)

2006-11-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

you never hear about some guy (or gal, let's be fair here) who goes to hell and it turns out that he (or she) should really go to heaven. it's always the other way things go. that god guy is always in charge. look! everything's cool. just don't be an asshole (or a cunt, let's be fair again). it all works out in the end. forget about the glossy stuff, blow off your ego, fuck the pride and live life like a nice person. you don't have to believe in god. you don't have to believe in anything. just stop believing in being a dip shit and it will all work out. it's all out there. everything can work if you just shut the fuck up. it's my world as well. try to listen. then stop. read more. notice that glitter is pointless. wait in line. take naps while awake. let your fist rest. love art. love being wrong. love love. love learning.

learn.

learn.

let yourself learn.

being wrong is learning.

kill your mask.

grow the fuck up.

screw god.

screw your guru.

screw you.

learn.

learn to love to learn.

9ine

2006-11-05T20:49:00.000-08:00

was thinking about ernest borgnine today and i thought, that's just what i need. an earnest borg 9.

aw, blow me. i thought it was funny.

ungrateful jerks...

Popes

2006-11-05T20:48:00.000-08:00

if they get to the point wherein they elect a pope called john paul georgearingo i'll think about joining the church

you know

i'll think about it

Dreaming (again)

2006-11-05T20:47:00.000-08:00

i was reading 'on the road'. kerouac, right? born march 12, just like me. i'm holding the book in my right hand because my left hand, the fem side hand, the heart side hand, the love hand, if you will is holding a foot. not gripping it tightly just holding, kind of cuddling the foot. the heal of my hand is resting in the arch of the foot and, when i look down at them this hand/foot combo looks sort of like two fish, one swimming up the other down. pisces time, right? the owner of the foot is a blonde who face is obscured by her hair. she's playing a video game and the door opens and this guy is standing there. his pissed and obviously her husband (sometimes you just KNOW these things, right?). he shakes his finger at us and says, 'why don't you two just fucking fuck awready?', and storms out of the room. she turns to me and says, 'what the fuck was that all about?', pronouncing the word 'about' 'a-boot'. big canada cloo, fo shore. i shrug my shoulders and reply, 'you got me on that one...' and we snuggle closer together.

and i wake up

thinking

if all my dreams were like this
i'd understand the whole goddamn universe.

Grim Facts

2006-11-05T20:45:00.000-08:00

oingo boingo did not do 'turning japanese' it was the vapors
the kinks did not do 'what i like about you' it was the romantics
devo did not do 'pop musik' it was m (robin scott)
the tubes song 'she's a beauty' is not called 'one in a million girls'
almost every parody song that you have ever heard was not done by weird al they were done by asshole dj's and most of them aren't even all that funny
disco still sucks
myspace blows
peta is a scam
if you think that praise is the same as love you should seek help
soup actually is good food
and
freddy would have kicked jason's ass

did i leave anything out?

Wrap This!

2006-11-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

lemme get this TOTALLY straight
you know
in case there's a test or something later
rap stars are just telling about what their lives are really like?
so what?
so did the beatles, the who, the kinks, joe jackson, devo, oingo boingo, laurie anderson, the dead kennedys, fats waller, the the, frank zappa, and paul simon
and that's just off the top of my head
and they don't suck or wear a gold hub cap on a giant stupid ass gold chain

Hear Here

2006-11-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

you know what i don't hear very often these days?
'what the fuck does that mean?'
i think you should ask that a lot
even if you already know
just to see if the motherfucker knows what they're talking about...

The End Of "Con Air"

2006-11-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

cyrus 'the virus'
is stuck to the front of a firetruck
and
he crashes through a glass skywalk
and
lands on high voltage wires
then
drops to a conveyor belt
where
he gets his head crushed by a pile driver
that's
just randomly smashing things at night
with
nobody around to supervise it?

that's not cinema, gang

that's MOVIEMAKING!!!

Here's The News

2006-11-04T05:35:00.000-08:00

sometimes
while i'm flipping through the channels
i'll see some newscaster chick
droning on about some lame ass story
that doesn't really have a goddamn thing
to do with my life
and
i know that it's being broadcast live
so
i say rude things to her image
dirty things
twisted things
evil things
sick and nasty things
the kinds of things that i don't even write down here
cuz
i'm thinking
she might be psychic
and
you know
fuck newscasters, man...

Nov - 01 - 2006

2006-11-01T17:37:00.000-08:00

i was thinking of posting some sort of halloween thing last night but i'm all broke and didn't have any beer or chocolate or anything and felt all bad and hated the entire world so i figured, 'screw those guys! what am i? halloween boy or something?' so i didn't even bother trying to figure something out which turned out kinda cool cuz i didn't have to worry about spelling things and that was fun for me to not have to bother doing. zounds! this earl grey can really kick your butt into overdrive, huh? aw, well... back to silent hill 3. it actually looks like i'm gonna hafta kill god. i hope it's a bad god though because i think that killing a good god would look really bad on my resume. or maybe that's just me. does anyone else hear those really noisy bats flying around outside? maybe that's just me as well. oh, wow! i just rembered that 'lost' is on tonight! monstro super cooly coolness! of course, what with halloween over we're sliding into christmas and that means i'll have to have dinner with the family. twice. so now i'm all pissed off that i'm not drinking. if you only take one thing away from this message let it be this: it never ends, kids. you might get a moment's rest now and then but, in a basic sense it just never ends...

Monday, 4:32 AM

2006-10-30T04:41:00.000-08:00

i was standing in the kitchen
nothing on but the refrigerator light
scanning the contents for a snack
or two
the cat meowed and i bent to scratch her head
back pain set in
yet again
that good old throb in the lower portion of my spine
hurts like a mo-fo, gang
i don't even like to talk about it very often
but
i was thinking about how it's worth it
how i was trading a cat-touch for a body ache
how most of us wouldn't bother
how afraid we are of pain
danger
taking a chance
going out on a limb
how childhood can really create some lame ass people
what a great world it could be if we could learn to...

and then i thought

WOW!

a cold hot dog dipped in leftover chili!

Help, Mr. Wizard!

2006-10-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

i could hang out with the cool crowd
avoiding those who drool loud
sliding 'tween the pain
(bah bah bop bah boodoodley bop)
i could grease every door hinge
maybe find a rhyme for orange

if i only wasn't strange...

T.V. Jibe

2006-10-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

know what i think the problem is?

i think it's satellite tv. you got these guys in these video backward countries and they're seeing stuff like pizza hut ads, drew barrymore getting humped from behind in 'poison ivy', long cool glasses of budweiser, maya wearing a tight turtleneck on 'just shoot me', old madonna videos (way back when she was a babe. remember those?), shirley manson's see through shirt in the 'queer' video that garbage did, victoria's secret ads, cool ass looking car ads, they're getting into fights about who's hotter, mary ann or ginger or , you know, becky or darlene, and getting all hot and bothered by pretty much anything with gwen stefani in it and they can't get the final jeopardy answer correct and they can't believe that we're so advanced that we have shit that makes the pain go away if you apply it directly to your forehead and their minds snap and they go, 'know what? fuck it! let's just blow the fucker up!'.

it's like i've always said, 'if you can't handle the heat drop the fucking remote.'.

i'm a grumpy old fat ass and that's my review...

Something To Do When You Get Rich

2006-10-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

1) Buy a bunch of cheap vases that all look the same. Like, 50 of them or so and stick a single fake flower in each one.
2) Put them all in a cupboard, stacked very nice.
3) Get a small table. About a foot by a foot across with a flat top and four legs, about four feet high.
4) Saw one of the legs off and put it near a light switch.
5) Put a vase on it.
6) When you're showing your house to someone new reach for the light switch and knock the table over, making the vase break on the floor.
7) Stand the table back up, open the cupboard, put a fresh vase on it.
8) Say, "Fuck! I hate when that happens!".
9) Continue showing the rest of the house and never mention it again.

A Pause That Refreshes

2006-09-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

why don't all these doctors and chemists and shit stop fucking around with trying to make our minds 'cured' with zoloft and all and invent something that just fucks you up for a while? something that can't kill you, isn't addictive, and just jacks your head nine ways from sunday?

'doc! the wife's on my ass, i can't make the car payment, and i'm stressed like son of a bitch. what should i do?'

'hmmmmmm... take two of these and go to vegas.'

come Monday morning the dude shows up at work and says, 'i dunno about you clowns but my weekend was fucking amazing! is that the time? shit! i gotta pile of work i gotta get done! see you guys at lunch!'

they could call it fukitall
have the pills pink
shaped like little tits or something

ax for it by name!

Snakes

2006-09-25T04:34:00.000-07:00

the snakes in spain stay mainly on the mother fucking plane

Links To Lameness

2006-09-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

used to be
people would forward you stupid things
like blonde jokes
and chain mail
about how to save some poor fucker's life by clogging up your friend's in boxes

now
people send you links to lame ass videos
of kids running around back yards
with an old chicago song
or some shit like 'the house at pooh corner'
laid into the background

these assholes must be wiped out in our lifetime

won't you please help?

Planes

2006-09-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

there's a movie coming out about world war one flying aces
i'm really curious about that
i fucking love dog fights with planes

planes fighting other planes?
guns firing?
all that chaos?
like in the end of 'a new hope'?
the trying for the exhaust port murder/death/kill/wrap the movie up/james bond thing?
i fucking love that shit!

in fact, that's a lot of why i hate the other star wars movies.

it's like,
beat the first one, mo-fo!
(or maybe the fourth one. at this point i dunno anymore)
when they go for the death star is the best stuff fucking ever, man!.

my point being:

i love seeing things flying around all askew
i love things blowing up
i love the madness of it
i love the crashes
i love the anti normal

it's soothing

i get calm

it's like watching the inside of my fucking head
from a distance;...

Poetry For Mobsters

2006-09-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

"JERSEY BY MOONLIGHT"

Three shots rang out
the noise bouncing off of the brick walls
that lined the alley
behind Big Tony Monstasquigleoni's Bar and Grill
it sounded like somebody had thrown a housecat
into a fucking gong
like they got in one of those pagodas
or some shit like that
The first bullet hit that Louie
the scumbag poodle fucking motherfucker
in the crook of his arm
it blew his fucking elbow
out the back of his shirt sleeve
funny bone and all

(I swear I heard it clank into one of those dumpsters Big Tony's got back there
but I could be wrong)

Anyways...

The second slug
entered Louie's belly
blood shot out of his stomach
like some big ass weightlifter fuck
had shoved a tomato into a fucking funnel
so hard that spaghetti sauce sprayed out the small end

(He was really screaming now
"Oh,fuck! I'm fucking shot!
Please don't kill me!
Please,God,please!"

I'm telling you
you should've been there
it was fucking great!)

The third bullet
hit that scumbag
square in the mouth
and the back of his head
fucking exploded
baad-ah-bang!

"Hey,asshole!"
I laughed
"I betcha won't be messing with my wife anytime soon!
at least...
not till you get a new fucking face!"

Hey,Bobby?
Where's our waitress?
She's got my scotch and soda...

"BAD NIGHT NO.12"

I lift him up
I drop him
I lift him up
I drop him
I lift him up
I fucking drop him

If you're going to drink
don't try to hang a squeeler on a meat hook

"REFLECTIONS OF LOVE"

You tell me you love me
that you'll always be mine

You tell me you'll need me
until the end of time

You tell me want me
like two turtledoves

So why can't you tell me
how to get this fucking blood stain out of my rug?

Be A Jerk, Save A Tree

2006-09-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

You know those little cards?

The ones stuck inside magazines?

The ones with the postage already on them so if you want to join a CD club or get a plate with Elvis on it or whatever all you have to do is fill it out and stick it in a mail box? I hate those damn things. I'm looking at a TV Guide, a Playboy, or something and I can't control the pages because the magazine keeps automatically flipping to the page with the card! I hate that to death! Don't you too? What the hell can be done about those damn things?

Well...
I have a job for you. Consider it a social experiment. An art project. Hell! If it works for you feel free to consider it as being a good old American pain in the ass.

The next time you find yourself trapped in the evil web of those stinking cards simply tear it out of the magazine, write "NO THANKS, TREE KILLER!!!" on it, and mail it away. Do it as often as you can. All the time everytime and get your friends to do it too. Have them get their friends to do it. And their friends of friends. It would be a chain protest! Pretty cool, ain't it? It'd be like throwing tea in the harbor! Good old American ass pain, kids!

See...
the reason those cards are in magazines is because they are monetarily valid. I mean, enough people are stupid enough to order things with those cards that they turn a profit for the companies that pay to have them stuck into our magazines. It's like those annoying pop up ads or that lousy AOL (can you believe that AOL still makes enough money a year to be able to afford sending out those free CD ROM discs? I get one of those damn things in the mail every twenty seconds or so. It's like something out of a Douglas Adams novel, for crying out loud).

It seems to me the most effective way to get rid of those cards would be to somehow make them monetarily INVALID. Every one that goes through the postal system is that much more postage that the company has to pay and if they end up paying for nothing over and over and over again it seems to me like they'd get the message eventually and stop polluting our magazines with their mindless crap. See what I'm getting at here?

Now:
You don't have to write "NO THANKS, TREE KILLER!!!" on it. You can write anything you'd like. "GO YANKEES!" would work. As would "HI, MOM! CAMP IS GREAT!", "THE PRESIDENT IS FULLA BEANS!", or, my personal favorite "STUFFING! NOT POTATOES!" (get cryptic on the bastards. Screw with their heads. Have fun with it!). You really shouldn't write anything too dirty though. It would really suck if it got back to you and you had to go to court for writing "KISS MY FUCKING ASS, YOU NAZI DICK LICKERS!!!" on some stupid little postcard. Then again, you might end up on 20/20 and get a sit-com out of it. Who knows? All I'm saying here is that I don't recommend you swear, cuss, or use the lord's name in vain. There's no reason to be snotty if you can just be annoying. I think my dad said that once and, if he didn't he should have.

Anyway, you are now on your own. I have planted seeds and if they sprout or not is your business.

It's your world. Have fun with it.

Or don't...

The Monster

2006-09-08T21:58:00.000-07:00

Night

Darkness cracked by lightning
The kites are flying
The switches have been thrown

The monster awakes

“Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnggggggggghhhhhhhhh!”

He growls
And smiles a crooked smile

“Me have story to tell

He looks into a mirror
To straighten his tie
The mirror shatters
Raining tiny pieces to the floor

“Huuummm...”

He thinks

“Gonna be one of those lives?
me need drink...”

He laughs
Slaps the doctor
His creator
On the back

(a little too hard}

The doctor stumbles foreward
And falls from a window
To his death

The monster shrugs his shoulders
And sets off toward town.

The Goldfish Piece

2006-09-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

I got this fish.

A goldfish, you know? His name is Dave, Dave the goldfish. And all he does. All he ever does, man, is swim in his bowl. That's his whole life, that bowl. And he's swimmin'. Swimmin' around and around in his bowl. Around and around in his bowl and I thought…

Hey!

My man the fish needs a change, a new look at his life and the life that exists around him. A piece of greenscreen behind that little castle that sits atop those colored rocks that line the bottom of his world and that little castle, man, the one that he never seems to use (at least he doesn't seem to use it while I'm awake).

And I thought I could take him to Marineland or something. A trip to his own private gene pool to see his ancestors and brethren. A higher link in the foodchain of fishlife.

Or out on a boat. Looking bird's eve view wise at my buddy bud's homeland.

A new bowl perhaps? A larger than large, tank type, mansion sized lake of a cage with room to move, man. With room to scoot.

And then, captured in the moment I flashed away, man. I went to a mindspace where all fish are equal and freedom is the only buzzword and people (humans, you know?), we should be kinder to the souls of the sea. And I thought, man…fish need help. My fish needs help. And me? I'm the type of guy who could…I mean, I am just the kind of guy who could help fish and people band together in a life of love and honor. A whole wide world where nobody has to worry and time alone will be in charge of everyone and everything that we happen to…

And then it hit me.

Hey, fuck it!

He is just a goldfish, man…

(Mar. 1996)

Time Wuz

2006-09-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

Time was...
I hated time
It just kept moving
On and on and on
Ever foreward without a rest
I aged right along with it
Slowly becoming my father
(Like I need that shit)

Time was...
I dreaded time
And it's cousins Entropy and Chaos
Things fall apart
(My mind is proof of that)
Someday my cat will be dead
(I think of things like that)
One day nobody will remember Jack Nance
(I worry about stuff like that)

But...

I saw you Saturday night
And changed my mind
(Yet again)
Sometimes
Time is cool!
And if you don't believe me
Go find a mirror
And look at yourself real close
Both
On the outside
And on the inside

See?
I told you!

In Advance Of The Big One

2006-09-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

Boom, boom, boom
Crash, crash, crash
The earthquake is coming to town
He knows when you’ve been sleeping
And he knows when you’re awake
But he doesn’t give a shit about that stuff

Houses
Cars
Stores
Mirrors
Windows
Books
Televisions
Cats
Dogs
Goldfish
People

Any and all manner of nouns
Will be destroyed
Or lost in the rubble of his wake

But, hey!
Look on the bright side

So will many poets

Problems

2006-09-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

She asked me
“What’s the deal
Why are there so many problems
In the world?
Who’s to blame?
How do we make everything okay?”

“Women...”,
I answered
“It all rests on chicks.”

She was insulted by this
Wondered what the hell I meant
How could I be so rude
And thoughtless?

“Look...”,
I replied
“If all of the wives
And girlfriends
And secretaries
And whatever
Of all of the oil company guys
And chemical plant owners
And factory owners
Said...
‘Hey!
Clean up this planet
Or I’ll never sleep with you again!
We would all be living on the cleanest planet
In the whole damn universe.”

She thought about this
And then slapped me
In the face
As hard as she could

Chicks, man

I don’t know…

Bridgehoser's Holiday

2006-09-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

The clock strikes five
And I pack my shit away
The mops and nozzles and rubber boots
I grab my pen and my notebook
Hop in the car
And head for the airport

The boss is waiting at the fork in the road
"Hey! You've got a job to do!
You haven't finished!
Don't you wanna get paid?"

"Fuck you, buddy!"
I yell, from the safety of my car
And throw my thinking cap out the window
"I'm on vacation!"
I exclaim
As I drive off into the evening

God!
I love this country!

Where wasting time is a birthright.

Road

2006-09-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

Life…
It's like a road
Long
Never ending
Twists
And turns
Forks and underpasses
Other people's cars
Burnt and hollowed out
Over turned and blocking the way
You swerve to miss them
But have to look
Fascinated by the flames and burnt bodies

And as you strain to listen to their radios

And as you smell gasoline and burnt rubber
You sometimes miss your exit
And then you think
"What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"

But

Keep driving none the less
For someday
Someday soon
You'll be home
Safe and sound
Without a care in the world
Without a single problem
Without a single teardrop

And it will all come together
Again…

Ducks And Rabbits

2006-09-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

Look…

There’s really only two types of people
Ducks and Rabbits
Trust me on this

DUCKS:
The ducks want things
Anything and everything
For no fuckin’ reason at all
Just like Daffy, the duck on TV

RABBITS:
Rabbits just wanna have fun
Anytime and everytime
For no fuckin’ reason at all
Just like Bugs, the rabbit on TV

DUCKS:
The ducks like to push the rabbits around
It proves to the ducks that they are right
Ducks are like that
They need to be right all the time
Why is this?
(because deep down the ducks know that they are wrong)
It’s Freud or something like that…

RABBITS:
Rabbits like to fuck around with the ducks
Why?
Because it’s fun to watch the ducks shit bricks!
That’s why!

So there you go
Ducks and Rabbits
And that’s all there really…

Oh, shit!

I forgot about the ELMERS!

ELMERS:
Elmers like to kill the ducks and rabbits
With guns and bombs
And all of that stupid shit
Just like Elmer, the guy on TV
Why?
Why do the Elmers want to kill the ducks and rabbits?

Easy…

The Elmers never watch TV
Oh, they look at it
But they don’t really watch
They don’t learn from it
They don’t know how to dream
And that’s why the Elmers like to kill the ducks and rabbits because the ducks and rabbits are dreamers
They’re full of dreams
And the Elmers hate dreamers
For the Elmers know not the truth
And here it is
Here’s the truth

It’s a gift from me to you…

THOSE WHO FAIL TO DREAM
ARE DOOMED TO ONLY SLEEP

And just how do I know that it’s the truth?
How can I be sure?

That’s easy too…

I’m a rabbit
And I dreamt it.

And if you don’t agree with me
And you think I’m full of shit
Then you are a Duck
Or an Elmer
And my theory has just been proven correct

And you are more than welcome to kiss my cotton tailed ass, Doc!

(Feb. 2001)

A Musical Piece

2006-09-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

INT. A USED RECORD STORE ON MELROSE – DAY

He’s thumbing through some albums.

D. CAT
Lemme talk about music for a minute or three, huh?

He holds up a used copy of “The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars”.

D. CAT
This is my favorite album of all time. I got my first copy back in 1972. I was in high school at the time. I heard a couple of tunes on the radio and flipped out. Back then rock and roll was all but dead. All that was going on was the tail end of that hippie drippy crap. The Beatles had broken up a couple of years before and there was this country hippie thing going on. I hated it. Twangy guitars and blue jeans that made me feel like an old man sitting on a porch with a glass of lemonade and a big hairy dog curled up at my feet. I’m from the city, man. I wanted to hear the sound of neon lights. Car wrecks. Music to throw chairs through windows by. I was sixteen years old and I feared getting older bad enough on my own. Bowie saved me. And Alice Cooper too. And T. Rex. Glitter Rock was fucking beautiful.

CUT TO:

ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE – A FEW MOMENTS LATER

He stands at a record rack.

D. CAT
Not too long after that disco hit and it hit big too. GEEZUZ! I hated that crap even more! Mindless, heartless, moronic shit. Music to get laid by. It sucked then and it still sucks now. The only people who listen to that junk these days are people who weren’t around and rocking when it was new. “Ring My Bell”? “Fly Robin Fly”? Fucking “Night Fever”? Gimme a break, huh? “Saturday Night Fever”? What about the guy who jumped off the bridge? What happened to the guy who didn’t want to be a priest anymore? I hate that fucking movie and the music sucks even worse in retrospect.

He holds up a copy of The Ramones first album and sighs.

D. CAT
Then these mother fuckers came along. Just some assholes from the east coast who couldn’t take it anymore. They kicked ass and didn’t give a shit how you felt about it. I hated them. For years.

He holds up the soundtrack of “Rock And Roll High School”.

D. CAT
Until I saw this movie. About a half an hour into it my head exploded. These cats were fucking funny, man! They seemed to be saying “Fuck You!” and, well... isn’t that what rock and roll is all about? I mean, it is to me anyway.

STILL ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE – MOMENTS LATER

D. CAT
About the same time I was pissing and moaning about The Ramones I was flipping through the radio dial and I heard three songs that changed my life forever.

He holds up a copy of Devo’s “Are We Not Men?”

D. CAT
These guys did a ball busting cover version of “Satisfaction”. It fucking rocked! It pealed paint off of walls, made parents break down in tears, and blew up speakers all over the world. Most of my friends couldn’t stand it and thought I was insane for liking it. This made it even more important to me. I was never a huge Rolling Stones fan and, if a cover of one of their most famous tunes pissed the die hard fans off that much it MUST be great. It was. And it still is.

YET ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE – MOMENTS AFTER THAT

He holds up a copy of the first B-52’S album.

D. CAT
Another song was “Rock Lobster”. It was so...WEIRD! I went nuts! Funny as all fuck and rocked like a son of a bitch. I love these guys. Lots. Um...

He flips through some more records and holds up a copy of Blondie’s “Parallel Lines”.

D. CAT
...these guys...and Debbie...

He kisses the album cover. M’wah!

D. CAT
...they had a disco song called “Heart Of Glass”. BLAH! DISCO? Yeah, I know. One night I was very drunk and had the radio on. So drunk that when “Heart Of Glass” came on I was too lazy to change the station. I laid there and actually listened to the lyrics. I ran out the next day, bought the album, and shit a brick. The Blondies quickly became my favorite group, “Plastic Letters” being another one of my most favorite albums ever. Boy. When Chris got sick? Well...I’d rather not talk about it.

EXT. RECORD STORE

d.cat steps outside.

D. CAT
I need a drink. How about you?

He steps to the curb, sticks out his right hand, and screams as if hailing a cab.

D. CAT
YO, BUS!

A bus pulls up, screeches to a halt, and the doors open. He turns as he boards it and smiles.

D. CAT
I love when that happens!

Night Calls (a dark one)

2006-09-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

Night calls
And I'm walking
Drunk on moonlight

And hunger
I see you up the street
And I move

Closer
Closer
And closer still

Until I touch you
Scant moments pass
And you go from warm to cold

So I seat you at the bus stop
And glide away
Into the black

My hunger is gone
Until tomorrow
When again I'll rise

And search the dark
For another
Just like you

My Sister's Brain

2006-09-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

My sister wasn’t very smart. It wasn’t her fault or anything she was simply not born with a very active brain. Not to say that she was an idiot, she was just a chick with an average intelligence.

Here’s an example of her brain:

Let’s call her chick “A”, okay? And let’s say she had two friends, chick “B” and chick “C”. When chick A was hanging around with chick B they would they would gossip and talk shit about chick C behind her back and, when chick A was hanging around with chick C they would gossip and talk shit behind chick B’s back. Nothing wrong with this of course. It’s just chick nature. The thing was though, it never occurred to chick A that when chick B and C were alone they were gossiping and talking shit behind chick A’s back. Chick A had no idea that her friends really didn’t think that she was very together or that she had the slightest clue about either herself or the world around her.

Pretty strange, huh?

Strange but true, dear reader. Strange but true.

In fact, this could very well apply to your own life.

Your friends might not think that you are anywhere near as together and wonderful as you think you are. They may think you are a fucking headcase and just as much of a pain in the ass as you think they are but they never tell you to your face simply because they are afraid of being whacked in the skull by flying furniture as you tear the room apart screaming that nobody really loves you and you’ll show them all a thing or two one of these days, goddamit!

Take a tip from me. If you don’t honestly consider the kinds of things that are spoken about you behind your back and realize that you do a lot of really, really stupid things from time to time there’s a pretty good chance that you are a total asshole. Having a positive attitude won’t change this. Keeping up on your daily affirmations won’t change this. Praying to whatever god you believe in and hoping He, She, or It will show you the way and make everything alright won’t change this. You have to look at yourself honestly and decide what to do from there or you will stay a total asshole for the rest of your life.

How do I know this?

That’s easy! Most people I know think I’m a fucking jerk off who should shut the fuck up now and then and get a fucking life.

They also wonder how I let myself get so goddamn fat and how I can spend so much time alone with my face pressed against a TV screen when there is a whole wide world out there and I really should grab for that brass ring and what’s the deal with those T-shirts and Converse shoes anyway? Weird? His motherfuckin’ face should be in the dictionary under the word weird for Christ’s sake! SON OF A BITCH! THAT COCKSUCKER REALLY PISSES ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF SOMETIMES! NO FUCKING SHIT, MAN! I’M TOTALLY SERIOUS ON THIS SHIT! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT ASSHOLE?

See how easy that was? And, you know what? It doesn’t bother me in the least. Why? Because I feel the exact sort of things about them from time to time.

The fucking dorks.

Crack? WHACK!

2006-09-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

I think the government must be behind crack. Why else would it be so easy to get a hold of? Besides, I find it hard to believe that some broke jerks are hiding in a house in a bad neighborhood somewhere making the stuff in their bathroom. The main ingredient is cocaine, for Christ’s sake! That stuff costs a fortune if you buy it by the gram. What’s it cost to make a shitload of crack? Oh…a couple of zillion dollars? I’m not real good with numbers but I bet I’m in the ballpark.

Scoring the stuff is pretty gross too. You pull up on a side street and these rejects from “Return of the Living Dead” amble up to the truck, moaning like zombies, “Less brains. Less brains…” then you make the deal and they hand you a rock. Out of their mouths! No lie! You give them money and they pull a piece of crack out of their mouths and hand it over to you. See…the stuff is compressed so solid that it melts in your pipe and not in your mouth. You could swallow the shit and it wouldn’t hurt you. Or so they say. I’m not gonna try it to find out but if you have any beer feel free to give me a call.

I think that if you’re caught even holding crack the cops should shatter your kneecaps with a nightstick. It should be mandatory. Crack? Whack! Then, every week they should have these losers as guests on shows like “Oprah” and “DR. Phil”. The host would show you a semi-circle of eight or ten of these assholes in leg casts and wheelchairs and go down the line, one by one. “Are you ever going to do crack again?” “Are you fucking serious, Jerry? Look at my legs!” I bet it wouldn’t take very long for the next generation of kids to get the idea.

It’d be Pavlov by way of television.

Crack = broken legs and hospital food.

It’d work like a charm.

And another thing while I’m at it:

How come you never see sports heroes doing public service announcements that say, “Kids? Stay in school and learn to read. Look what it did for me!”? Then you’d pull back and see the guy sitting around a pool with a squad of bikini clad babes playing catch with a beach ball in the shallow end as he hits you with a big ass toothy smile and a full on thumbs up. After seeing this three or four times kids would be throwing their TV sets out the window and begging for a trip to the local library.

If you know what I mean.

Tax The Trendy!

2006-09-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

screw those dorks!

tax cigarettes
tax cigarettes
tax cigarettes

how about putting a tax on your sacred grande sized coffee?
or those goddamn energy drinks that nobody really needs?
both of which are gonna give your ass a monstro heart attack one of these days?

well...
nobody will EVER tax that shit
know why?
because it's totally fine to be a cranked up money mad suv driving asshole
most people are so it must be a great thing

but those smokers?
fuck them!

(someday someone's gonna get murdered by somebody who was stressed because they couldn't find a butt to light up. and, when the guy wins his court case with the landmark 'smoker's defense' the shit's really gonna start coming down. wait and see, tweakers. wait and see.)

Dali Say...

2006-09-07T03:09:00.000-07:00

"Liquid Television! My last invention. Put liquid on hands - TV appear! TV will one day becoming correlated with DNA. Everything mechanical will collaspe except cybernetic machines!"

- Salavador Dali
TV Guide
June 8th, 1968

No...

2006-09-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

actually everything isn't a joke to me
everything is stupid and pointless because we give birth to things that die
(meat ain't murder
birth is murder)
and you can't take it with you
and it's all just spilt milk anyway

so i'd rather laugh than be known for owning a big ass car
or whatever

(hey. i didn't bring it up.)

Cat Rant Cat Rant Rant!

2006-09-07T01:50:00.000-07:00

'only nut cases want to be president. this was true even in high school. only clearly disturbed people ran for class president.'

- kurt vonnegut
'a man without a country'

i don't believe it! the guy who once wrote some of the greatest novels in the world is now ranting! goddamn cat ranting! and he's kicking my ass at it! i gotta bow down to that action, gang!

Possible Bumper Stickers

2006-08-31T17:58:00.000-07:00

1. i'd rather be laughing

2. honk if i'm in your way

3. my child is fine just the way he is

4. your guru has emotional problems or he wouldn't need to have people pay so much attention to him

5. if you can read this you really should be reading more

6. i voted for blofeld

7. burn your self help books and start helping

8. creativity + boredom = art

9. bumper stickers are pointless

Sun Lite

2006-08-31T17:56:00.000-07:00

the sun is roughly 93 million miles from earth.

therefore, when you look to the sun it isn't there anymore. it's where it was about six minutes before you are seeing it. it takes about six minutes for sunlight to reach us. you are actually seeing just the light from the sun. a light that is six minutes old.

it amazes me that there are people who think that they have control over their lives. that if they try hard enough and believe hard enough that they can have anything that they want. that people that can't get the things that they want just don't really want it bad enough. that if everybody felt the same way that they do that the world would be a perfect place.

people that can't really see the sun.

but that think that they do.

Any Day Now

2006-08-31T02:39:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmmmm... It says here, "May cause depression, lycanthropy, pon farr, and/or a sudden and unexplainable desire to vote Republican." I'll guess I'll go for the thin crust.

Burping

2006-08-31T01:51:00.000-07:00

next time you burp
and you say
'pardon me.'
do yourself a favor and run with it for a while
like:

'no! really! pardon me! c'mon, ya prick! pardon me! pardon the fuck outta me! i double fucking dare you to pardon me, you low class nazi bastard! pardon me or i'll kick the living fuck outta your sorry ass! what's wrong with you? why don't you just give me a pardon, for christ's sake? pardon me awready! pardon me! pardon me or die! say it! Say It!! SAY IT!!!'

then smash a lamp against a wall and fall to the floor screaming as if insane

if you really commit to the moment
it would be very funny

i promise...

Love/Hate

2006-08-31T01:49:00.000-07:00

i love everything
and
i hate everything
it's not like i want to
you fuckers drive me to it
and you never park
when you kick me out of the car
as it's still fucking moving
and my head hits the guard rail
like a watermellon
heaved by a quarterback

you are stupid as all fuck
but
you have these moments of pure soul loving logic purity

i'm on this razor edge

wanting to hug you

and

wanting to kill you

all at the same time

and

i can't really do either

i'm the host
of the weirdest fucking game show ever
america's funniest home assholes
(and bitches
let's be fair here)
or
something

and

it never gets canceled

you know

unless i'm totally wasted

Key Reist!

2006-08-31T01:48:00.000-07:00

for the last fucking time
of course christ was married and had kids
ain't you assholes seen 'dogma'?

screw that 'code' shit

geezuz...

An Un-Christmas Carol

2006-08-31T01:47:00.000-07:00

(spoken)
Twas the eighteenth of August, some elves did revolt
They were sick of hot chocolate, and building toy boats
They started with Ozzy then moved to LaVey
And summoned a demon, one without a name

Sliced open a chicken and drank of its blood
Danced around naked, smeared bodies with mud
Spoke the dark passage contained in a book
Bat wings and frog eyes they started to cook

The ground it cracked open, the demon arose
"Hi! How ya doin'?", a question he posed
"You all are my masters, what bidding say you?"
"Go possess Santa!", so that he did do...

(sung)
You'd better take off!
You'd better right now!
No time to pack bags!
They'll just slow you down!
Santa Claus has got summer off

He's checking his list
And packing a gun
He's got all the boys and girls on the run
Santa Claus has got summer off

He sees you when you're sleeping
He'll sneak into your dreams
'Don't care if you've been bad or good
'Cause your soul he's gonna steal

With a sharpened chainsaw
And long butcher knives
Peel off your skin and set it on fire
Santa Claus has got summer off

Wrong

2006-08-31T01:46:00.000-07:00

you know the biggest bummer about dealing with people who have trouble with ever being wrong? you can never address the fact that they have trouble with ever being wrong. which is actually kind of strange. i mean, if you mention that they have trouble with ever being wrong wouldn't they tend to agree with you? you know, so that they'll look like they're right?

i think it was art linkletter who said it best when he said, "People are fucked."

wasn't that art linkletter?

i dunno for sure.

maybe i'm wrong...

The Meaning Of Life

2006-08-31T01:45:00.000-07:00

i know what you want
i know what you need
i'm your uncle cat
i'm a pisces
i'm a genius
i'm a artist

you want to know the meaning of life
you want to know what it all means
you want true enlightenment

well

you want it
you got it

THERE IS NO SUCH THING

once you get that down you've got it all

can we move on now?

R

2006-08-31T01:44:00.000-07:00

'know why, when you're walking down the street and money falls from the sky you never catch a shitload of it?

because it never happens.

'know why i was watching tv last month and saw an ad for a movie and noticed that the little box under the 'r' rating listed everything good about the movie and i was so amazed by how stupid we are as people that it kept me awake for two days?

because it did happen.

that's all i'm saying...

Old People

2006-08-31T01:43:00.000-07:00

i have come to the conclusion that old people don't really have trouble hearing. what they have trouble doing is paying attention. if you say something they never try to understand you WHILE you are talking. they wait until you have finished and then say, 'What?', so you have to say the whole fucking thing over again. they never say, "What was that about the soap dish?" or, "How much do you need for the paper boy?". they never 'what?' you followed by the last few words that you say. they make you say the whole goddamn thing twice. more often than not while the tv is blasting some shit thing like court tv or fucking 'cops'.

and why do they watch those shit shows? because if they watched movies or old sitcoms they'd have to pay attention so it would make sense.

see how it all fits together?

so...

what are we suposta do about this?

'easy question to answer, gang.

the next time you have to talk to an old person say something totally stupid first. like, "The cod fish have stolen my wristwatch.". or, "Satan called and he wants your knee socks." or maybe, if you really feel bold, "I'm having an affair with the poodle next door and we're thinking of naming the first child after you."

then, when they say, "What?", you can talk about the thing that you wanted to talk about in the first place. and they'll listen just fine, exactly like they would if you had said the same thing twice.

see?

i told you the answer was easy.

not only will you not think about beating the living shit out of old people (at least not as often) you'll also have something to giggle about while you're alone in the bathroom. don't think of it as being cruel. think of it as performance art. and remember, a lack of art can kill.

fucking old people, man.

i bet if you stuck a gun in some old windbag's fucking face they'd hear you just fine and goddamn dandy.

Global Warning

2006-08-31T01:42:00.000-07:00

i'm not fully convinced that the hot summer that we are having is because of global warming.

why?

because it's summer. it's supposed to be hot. some summers are big bitch hot ass summers and some of them aren't. last year we hardly had a summer at all. it was great. what does THAT prove? that global warming suddenly kicked in this year?

i'm not saying that it isn't happening. i'm just saying that i'm not sure that just because some movie came out and that it's also hot out that it means that the movie was flawless in it's scope.

i haven't seen the movie and don't want to because gore's wife once tried to kill rock and roll and he can kiss my ass for christmas (remember the p.m.r.c.? i bet most of you don't. i remember. i was here) but in the ads? when you see those icebergs falling apart? it doesn't mean that those icebergs are falling apart just because of global warming. icebergs have been falling apart for centuries, gang.

it's part of what they do.

besides
do you remember the killer bees?
the harmonic convergence?
y2k?

do you know what happened with those things?

that's right...

nothing

not a goddamn thing

The Elf Man

2006-08-31T01:40:00.000-07:00

i can't ever die
not until
danny elfman wins an oscar for best original score
at least not til then
so
buckle up. mother fuckers
it's gonna be a long flight...

Doorways To Dumbness

2006-08-31T01:39:00.000-07:00

how fucking stupid do you have to be to stand in a doorway while you're talking to somebody?

like
i have nothing better to do than say

'excuse me. i need to get through here.'

or

'coming through, please!'

or

'HEY, ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING DOORWAY!'

you'd think that at some point pavlov would kick in and that a candle flame would ignite in their tiny little minds and they would think

'stand in doorway bad. me move from way.'

but no!

these dipshits never learn to take an extra three steps
three little steps!
what the fuck?

you know what i think these fucktards need?

a bit of the old ultra violence
a tolchock to the bleeding gulliver
fucking negative reinforcement

next time
ball up your fist up real tight and popeye punch these assholes in the ear as hard as you can and when they're laying on the carpet in a fetal heap scream at them in a shrill voice

'SORRY! YOU WERE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY AND WHEN YOU STAND IN THE DOORWAY OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T GET PAST YOU! IN THIS CASE YOU WOULD, IN FACT MAKE A BETTER WINDOW THAN A FUCKING DOOR! WATCH THAT SHIT IN THE FUTURE, ASSHOLE!'

yeah
it'd be a bummer thing to do
at first
but
after about the eighteenth time
i bet those morons clear the fuck out of your way whenever they even think about you

psych 101?

make friends with it, gang

But...

2006-08-31T01:36:00.000-07:00

of course
i couldn't really ever hurt anybody
sometimes
it's just kind of soothing
to think about that stuff

like
'if i whack that fuck in the back of the skull with that giant ass jug of mazola oil i could be next in line. i'd probably make it to the parking lot by november and everything.'

or
'she ate my last doughnut. guess i'll drop kick her ass off the fucking roof. fair is fair, you know? i mean, we ARE talking krispy-kreme here.'

or
'hmmmmmmmm... is it still against the law to park a car on some lunkhead's fat fucking neck or did that revenge thing get voted in last time? i was killing poodles for satan that day.'

see?

i feel better already...

Stone Cold Crazy

2006-08-31T01:35:00.000-07:00

one of the worse things you can say to someone who's totally out of their fucking mind is, 'you know you're out of your fucking mind, right?'.

know why?

because the insane are always the last ones to know.

this can be applied to other areas as well...

Fun Things To Yell At Your Cat

2006-08-31T01:29:00.001-07:00

'what? timmy fell down the well? up at big rock mountain?'

'grow a thumb, ya cave beast!'

'you and what army?'

'if i see him i'll be sure to let him know!'

'aw, banana oil!'

'yeah? how's about i drop kick your ass into next week?'

'no soup for you!'

'you want some of me? do ya? well, lets mambo, tough guy!'

'meow? meow THIS, ya cunt!'

Midgets

2006-08-31T01:15:00.000-07:00

You know, if you're driving around and you spot a midget through the window it's almost impossible to tell how tall they are. Unless they're standing next to a mail box or something. You have got to have that point of reference or you're just fucked out of luck, man.

Read This

2006-07-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

some people listen to n.p.r. everyday
and they believe whatever they hear
they hang out with people who do the same
and they all agree
and it feels good

some people watch network news everyday
and they believe whatever they hear
they hang out with people who do the same
and they all agree
and it feels good

but

if all you read are western novels
all you are going to know about are western novels
and when other people talk about vonnegut
you won't know what they are talking about

not having knowledge of something
doesn't make you more correct
in your assumptions
it only means that you should learn more...

2006-07-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

Party Dream

2006-07-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

i had a really strange dream
one of those hollywood party dreams
the kind that have famous people with names i can't spell
and that would take far too long for me to figure out how to type
the basic deal was this though:

BEAUTY IF FLEETING SO DON"T BE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT
IT'S ALSO NOT PROOF OF SANITY OR ANYTHING ELSE, SO THERE, MOTHERFUCKER!

just before i woke up
jill
the weather babe from the morning news
on channel 11
here in l.a.
who's party it was
asked me if i had ever got in a fist fight with someone
because i didn't believe that they were psychic

i said
not really
i'm a pisces so that doesn't happen very often

she smiled at this
and said that
wouldn't other people be aware that that was going to happen
and try to avoid it?

i started to laugh
and she said
no
not because they are psychic
but because of all the other fist fights that they get into
because they aren't

i love blondes
even when my mind makes them up

you know
disney said that
a dream is a wish that your heart makes
(at least someone that worked for disney did)
and that might sound like a nice thing to say
but
if i remember right
disney was a transvestite
who had his head frozen
so i'm thinking
'woah, uncle walt! we might be talking grain of salt over here!'

but enough about me...

Party

2006-07-03T00:41:00.000-07:00

i can't really think of a perfect party that i ever attended

and i mean Perfect

one where the room was spinning in just the right way
and all the colors were just right
and the music was exactly what it should have been
and the moment froze in my head like an imax frame
sounds and smells included
one of those moments that you smile about when you're not listening to somebody
and they ask what you're thinking
and you say "nothing"

one of those parties

maybe that's what i'm really looking for

in some ways

maybe we all are

Action Packed!

2006-07-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

i dunno about you

but

whenever i look into a mirror
i never see myself
not really
i tend to ask
"who's that 50 year old fat fuck that's looking at me?"

then seconds pass

and i think about drinking

yet again

life on earth?

it's fucking action packed, kids!

Pinko

2006-07-03T00:39:00.000-07:00

i went to a party the other night and the host wondered if i'd like a pinko.

"a pinko?", i asked, "what's that?".

he answered, "it's a white russian with a dash of borscht.".

"dude,", i replied, "i might lean to the left but i don't lean THAT far to the left."

The Top Ten Reasons The Burffle Isn't A Korf

2006-07-03T00:37:00.000-07:00

10) we stood on the grelm
9) there once was a driff on the keegle
8) two knoigles don't add up to a roalff
7) he stuppled a cloygle
6) a pluggle and a burufnez ain't no groff
5) what? me tuuurglee?
4) tuesday
3) nine
2) mom says burffley
1) kersploygoin!

Voting

2006-07-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

there once was a prez and he got his dick sucked in the white house
and a whole buncha 'publicans got all pissed off
and closed the entire goverment down
like a bunch of fucking kids in a goddamn schoolyard

then

arnold wants to get elected and a bunch of 'crats get all pissed off
cuz he might have grabbed an ass back in 1970
and a buncha chicks get pissed cuz he called people "girly men"
like a bunch of fucking kids in a goddamn schoolyard

know what?

fucking blow me

i'm not going to play anymore

you all fucking suck and you can fucking kiss the fuck outta my fucking fat white ass

there...

i just fucking voted...

eat me...

Paws

2006-07-03T00:34:00.000-07:00

i twitch for a fix of my favorite drug
a look that could cook me or maybe a hug
a lump in the throat like a bolt from above
even a dead dove needs love

time like a lime can sure screw up one's face
cats chase the rats as we join in the race
cards can cut hard when you joke with an ace
even the spacey need space

worlds spin
mouths grin
corks pop
hearts stop
gears move
souls groove
night calls
we fall
eyes wide
inside
i fret
you bet
moving through nothing and yet:

we know that to toe that thin line is insane
prancing and dancing with fog in the rain
grab straws with both paws and slide down the drain
even the strange must be tamed

Rappers

2006-07-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

what's the deal with these scowling rappers? guys that look like they wanna punch you in the fucking face? i'm thinking marketing ploy aimed at 14 year old assholes who confuse being "tough" with being cool.

"yo, yo, yo, motherfucker. i'm just keeping it real, see what i'm saying? i'm from the motherfucking streets, see what i'm saying? i'm just telling shit like it is and shit, see what i'm saying? shit, bitch! where's my motherfucking lemo? i gots to get to sony so i can pick up my motherfucking check! if i piss off the white motherfucker who owns my motherfucking ass i'm not gonna get paid, see what i'm saying? i got to get my bling on or the punkass white motherfucking fans of mine will think i'm not all up in there and shit, beee-atch!"

one of the things i love about the beatles is that they were funny.

and they thought that love was cool too.

see what i'm saying?

How To Be Happy

2006-07-03T00:30:00.000-07:00

1) get a file sharing program

2) download "alphabet lost and found" by they might be giants

3) drink as needed

4) listen over and over until you know the words

5) drink more (but only as needed)

6) lock the doors

7) crank the fucker up to 12 and scream along not giving a flying fuck what others think about it. (strip naked and dance if you'd like)

8) smile and kiss the sky

for more information consult your local muse

Supermarket 4

2006-07-03T00:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a supermarket and you had to step around some bonehead who's standing there with a cell phone asking whoever is on the other end what type of milk he's supossed to buy?

Do you know why that happened?

Because the guy owns a cell phone and now he doesn't have to remember things like types of milk anymore. All he has to do is call and ask.

I think that technology might be a bad thing in the hands of average people.

Then again, I know how to write a grocery list.