Monday, 4:32 AM

i was standing in the kitchen
nothing on but the refrigerator light
scanning the contents for a snack
or two
the cat meowed and i bent to scratch her head
back pain set in
yet again
that good old throb in the lower portion of my spine
hurts like a mo-fo, gang
i don't even like to talk about it very often
but
i was thinking about how it's worth it
how i was trading a cat-touch for a body ache
how most of us wouldn't bother
how afraid we are of pain
danger
taking a chance
going out on a limb
how childhood can really create some lame ass people
what a great world it could be if we could learn to...

and then i thought

WOW!

a cold hot dog dipped in leftover chili!

Help, Mr. Wizard!

i could hang out with the cool crowd
avoiding those who drool loud
sliding 'tween the pain
(bah bah bop bah boodoodley bop)
i could grease every door hinge
maybe find a rhyme for orange

if i only wasn't strange...

T.V. Jibe

know what i think the problem is?

i think it's satellite tv. you got these guys in these video backward countries and they're seeing stuff like pizza hut ads, drew barrymore getting humped from behind in 'poison ivy', long cool glasses of budweiser, maya wearing a tight turtleneck on 'just shoot me', old madonna videos (way back when she was a babe. remember those?), shirley manson's see through shirt in the 'queer' video that garbage did, victoria's secret ads, cool ass looking car ads, they're getting into fights about who's hotter, mary ann or ginger or , you know, becky or darlene, and getting all hot and bothered by pretty much anything with gwen stefani in it and they can't get the final jeopardy answer correct and they can't believe that we're so advanced that we have shit that makes the pain go away if you apply it directly to your forehead and their minds snap and they go, 'know what? fuck it! let's just blow the fucker up!'.

it's like i've always said, 'if you can't handle the heat drop the fucking remote.'.

i'm a grumpy old fat ass and that's my review...

Something To Do When You Get Rich

1) Buy a bunch of cheap vases that all look the same. Like, 50 of them or so and stick a single fake flower in each one.
2) Put them all in a cupboard, stacked very nice.
3) Get a small table. About a foot by a foot across with a flat top and four legs, about four feet high.
4) Saw one of the legs off and put it near a light switch.
5) Put a vase on it.
6) When you're showing your house to someone new reach for the light switch and knock the table over, making the vase break on the floor.
7) Stand the table back up, open the cupboard, put a fresh vase on it.
8) Say, "Fuck! I hate when that happens!".
9) Continue showing the rest of the house and never mention it again.