1. i'd rather be laughing
2. honk if i'm in your way
3. my child is fine just the way he is
4. your guru has emotional problems or he wouldn't need to have people pay so much attention to him
5. if you can read this you really should be reading more
6. i voted for blofeld
7. burn your self help books and start helping
8. creativity + boredom = art
9. bumper stickers are pointless
August 31, 2006
Sun Lite
the sun is roughly 93 million miles from earth.
therefore, when you look to the sun it isn't there anymore. it's where it was about six minutes before you are seeing it. it takes about six minutes for sunlight to reach us. you are actually seeing just the light from the sun. a light that is six minutes old.
it amazes me that there are people who think that they have control over their lives. that if they try hard enough and believe hard enough that they can have anything that they want. that people that can't get the things that they want just don't really want it bad enough. that if everybody felt the same way that they do that the world would be a perfect place.
people that can't really see the sun.
but that think that they do.
therefore, when you look to the sun it isn't there anymore. it's where it was about six minutes before you are seeing it. it takes about six minutes for sunlight to reach us. you are actually seeing just the light from the sun. a light that is six minutes old.
it amazes me that there are people who think that they have control over their lives. that if they try hard enough and believe hard enough that they can have anything that they want. that people that can't get the things that they want just don't really want it bad enough. that if everybody felt the same way that they do that the world would be a perfect place.
people that can't really see the sun.
but that think that they do.
Any Day Now
Hmmmmmmm... It says here, "May cause depression, lycanthropy, pon farr, and/or a sudden and unexplainable desire to vote Republican." I'll guess I'll go for the thin crust.
Burping
next time you burp
and you say
'pardon me.'
do yourself a favor and run with it for a while
like:
'no! really! pardon me! c'mon, ya prick! pardon me! pardon the fuck outta me! i double fucking dare you to pardon me, you low class nazi bastard! pardon me or i'll kick the living fuck outta your sorry ass! what's wrong with you? why don't you just give me a pardon, for christ's sake? pardon me awready! pardon me! pardon me or die! say it! Say It!! SAY IT!!!'
then smash a lamp against a wall and fall to the floor screaming as if insane
if you really commit to the moment
it would be very funny
i promise...
and you say
'pardon me.'
do yourself a favor and run with it for a while
like:
'no! really! pardon me! c'mon, ya prick! pardon me! pardon the fuck outta me! i double fucking dare you to pardon me, you low class nazi bastard! pardon me or i'll kick the living fuck outta your sorry ass! what's wrong with you? why don't you just give me a pardon, for christ's sake? pardon me awready! pardon me! pardon me or die! say it! Say It!! SAY IT!!!'
then smash a lamp against a wall and fall to the floor screaming as if insane
if you really commit to the moment
it would be very funny
i promise...
Love/Hate
i love everything
and
i hate everything
it's not like i want to
you fuckers drive me to it
and you never park
when you kick me out of the car
as it's still fucking moving
and my head hits the guard rail
like a watermellon
heaved by a quarterback
you are stupid as all fuck
but
you have these moments of pure soul loving logic purity
i'm on this razor edge
wanting to hug you
and
wanting to kill you
all at the same time
and
i can't really do either
i'm the host
of the weirdest fucking game show ever
america's funniest home assholes
(and bitches
let's be fair here)
or
something
and
it never gets canceled
you know
unless i'm totally wasted
and
i hate everything
it's not like i want to
you fuckers drive me to it
and you never park
when you kick me out of the car
as it's still fucking moving
and my head hits the guard rail
like a watermellon
heaved by a quarterback
you are stupid as all fuck
but
you have these moments of pure soul loving logic purity
i'm on this razor edge
wanting to hug you
and
wanting to kill you
all at the same time
and
i can't really do either
i'm the host
of the weirdest fucking game show ever
america's funniest home assholes
(and bitches
let's be fair here)
or
something
and
it never gets canceled
you know
unless i'm totally wasted
Key Reist!
for the last fucking time
of course christ was married and had kids
ain't you assholes seen 'dogma'?
screw that 'code' shit
geezuz...
of course christ was married and had kids
ain't you assholes seen 'dogma'?
screw that 'code' shit
geezuz...
An Un-Christmas Carol
(spoken)
Twas the eighteenth of August, some elves did revolt
They were sick of hot chocolate, and building toy boats
They started with Ozzy then moved to LaVey
And summoned a demon, one without a name
Sliced open a chicken and drank of its blood
Danced around naked, smeared bodies with mud
Spoke the dark passage contained in a book
Bat wings and frog eyes they started to cook
The ground it cracked open, the demon arose
"Hi! How ya doin'?", a question he posed
"You all are my masters, what bidding say you?"
"Go possess Santa!", so that he did do...
(sung)
You'd better take off!
You'd better right now!
No time to pack bags!
They'll just slow you down!
Santa Claus has got summer off
He's checking his list
And packing a gun
He's got all the boys and girls on the run
Santa Claus has got summer off
He sees you when you're sleeping
He'll sneak into your dreams
'Don't care if you've been bad or good
'Cause your soul he's gonna steal
With a sharpened chainsaw
And long butcher knives
Peel off your skin and set it on fire
Santa Claus has got summer off
Twas the eighteenth of August, some elves did revolt
They were sick of hot chocolate, and building toy boats
They started with Ozzy then moved to LaVey
And summoned a demon, one without a name
Sliced open a chicken and drank of its blood
Danced around naked, smeared bodies with mud
Spoke the dark passage contained in a book
Bat wings and frog eyes they started to cook
The ground it cracked open, the demon arose
"Hi! How ya doin'?", a question he posed
"You all are my masters, what bidding say you?"
"Go possess Santa!", so that he did do...
(sung)
You'd better take off!
You'd better right now!
No time to pack bags!
They'll just slow you down!
Santa Claus has got summer off
He's checking his list
And packing a gun
He's got all the boys and girls on the run
Santa Claus has got summer off
He sees you when you're sleeping
He'll sneak into your dreams
'Don't care if you've been bad or good
'Cause your soul he's gonna steal
With a sharpened chainsaw
And long butcher knives
Peel off your skin and set it on fire
Santa Claus has got summer off
Wrong
you know the biggest bummer about dealing with people who have trouble with ever being wrong? you can never address the fact that they have trouble with ever being wrong. which is actually kind of strange. i mean, if you mention that they have trouble with ever being wrong wouldn't they tend to agree with you? you know, so that they'll look like they're right?
i think it was art linkletter who said it best when he said, "People are fucked."
wasn't that art linkletter?
i dunno for sure.
maybe i'm wrong...
i think it was art linkletter who said it best when he said, "People are fucked."
wasn't that art linkletter?
i dunno for sure.
maybe i'm wrong...
The Meaning Of Life
i know what you want
i know what you need
i'm your uncle cat
i'm a pisces
i'm a genius
i'm a artist
you want to know the meaning of life
you want to know what it all means
you want true enlightenment
well
you want it
you got it
THERE IS NO SUCH THING
once you get that down you've got it all
can we move on now?
i know what you need
i'm your uncle cat
i'm a pisces
i'm a genius
i'm a artist
you want to know the meaning of life
you want to know what it all means
you want true enlightenment
well
you want it
you got it
THERE IS NO SUCH THING
once you get that down you've got it all
can we move on now?
R
'know why, when you're walking down the street and money falls from the sky you never catch a shitload of it?
because it never happens.
'know why i was watching tv last month and saw an ad for a movie and noticed that the little box under the 'r' rating listed everything good about the movie and i was so amazed by how stupid we are as people that it kept me awake for two days?
because it did happen.
that's all i'm saying...
because it never happens.
'know why i was watching tv last month and saw an ad for a movie and noticed that the little box under the 'r' rating listed everything good about the movie and i was so amazed by how stupid we are as people that it kept me awake for two days?
because it did happen.
that's all i'm saying...
Old People
i have come to the conclusion that old people don't really have trouble hearing. what they have trouble doing is paying attention. if you say something they never try to understand you WHILE you are talking. they wait until you have finished and then say, 'What?', so you have to say the whole fucking thing over again. they never say, "What was that about the soap dish?" or, "How much do you need for the paper boy?". they never 'what?' you followed by the last few words that you say. they make you say the whole goddamn thing twice. more often than not while the tv is blasting some shit thing like court tv or fucking 'cops'.
and why do they watch those shit shows? because if they watched movies or old sitcoms they'd have to pay attention so it would make sense.
see how it all fits together?
so...
what are we suposta do about this?
'easy question to answer, gang.
the next time you have to talk to an old person say something totally stupid first. like, "The cod fish have stolen my wristwatch.". or, "Satan called and he wants your knee socks." or maybe, if you really feel bold, "I'm having an affair with the poodle next door and we're thinking of naming the first child after you."
then, when they say, "What?", you can talk about the thing that you wanted to talk about in the first place. and they'll listen just fine, exactly like they would if you had said the same thing twice.
see?
i told you the answer was easy.
not only will you not think about beating the living shit out of old people (at least not as often) you'll also have something to giggle about while you're alone in the bathroom. don't think of it as being cruel. think of it as performance art. and remember, a lack of art can kill.
fucking old people, man.
i bet if you stuck a gun in some old windbag's fucking face they'd hear you just fine and goddamn dandy.
and why do they watch those shit shows? because if they watched movies or old sitcoms they'd have to pay attention so it would make sense.
see how it all fits together?
so...
what are we suposta do about this?
'easy question to answer, gang.
the next time you have to talk to an old person say something totally stupid first. like, "The cod fish have stolen my wristwatch.". or, "Satan called and he wants your knee socks." or maybe, if you really feel bold, "I'm having an affair with the poodle next door and we're thinking of naming the first child after you."
then, when they say, "What?", you can talk about the thing that you wanted to talk about in the first place. and they'll listen just fine, exactly like they would if you had said the same thing twice.
see?
i told you the answer was easy.
not only will you not think about beating the living shit out of old people (at least not as often) you'll also have something to giggle about while you're alone in the bathroom. don't think of it as being cruel. think of it as performance art. and remember, a lack of art can kill.
fucking old people, man.
i bet if you stuck a gun in some old windbag's fucking face they'd hear you just fine and goddamn dandy.
Global Warning
i'm not fully convinced that the hot summer that we are having is because of global warming.
why?
because it's summer. it's supposed to be hot. some summers are big bitch hot ass summers and some of them aren't. last year we hardly had a summer at all. it was great. what does THAT prove? that global warming suddenly kicked in this year?
i'm not saying that it isn't happening. i'm just saying that i'm not sure that just because some movie came out and that it's also hot out that it means that the movie was flawless in it's scope.
i haven't seen the movie and don't want to because gore's wife once tried to kill rock and roll and he can kiss my ass for christmas (remember the p.m.r.c.? i bet most of you don't. i remember. i was here) but in the ads? when you see those icebergs falling apart? it doesn't mean that those icebergs are falling apart just because of global warming. icebergs have been falling apart for centuries, gang.
it's part of what they do.
besides
do you remember the killer bees?
the harmonic convergence?
y2k?
do you know what happened with those things?
that's right...
nothing
not a goddamn thing
why?
because it's summer. it's supposed to be hot. some summers are big bitch hot ass summers and some of them aren't. last year we hardly had a summer at all. it was great. what does THAT prove? that global warming suddenly kicked in this year?
i'm not saying that it isn't happening. i'm just saying that i'm not sure that just because some movie came out and that it's also hot out that it means that the movie was flawless in it's scope.
i haven't seen the movie and don't want to because gore's wife once tried to kill rock and roll and he can kiss my ass for christmas (remember the p.m.r.c.? i bet most of you don't. i remember. i was here) but in the ads? when you see those icebergs falling apart? it doesn't mean that those icebergs are falling apart just because of global warming. icebergs have been falling apart for centuries, gang.
it's part of what they do.
besides
do you remember the killer bees?
the harmonic convergence?
y2k?
do you know what happened with those things?
that's right...
nothing
not a goddamn thing
The Elf Man
i can't ever die
not until
danny elfman wins an oscar for best original score
at least not til then
so
buckle up. mother fuckers
it's gonna be a long flight...
not until
danny elfman wins an oscar for best original score
at least not til then
so
buckle up. mother fuckers
it's gonna be a long flight...
Doorways To Dumbness
how fucking stupid do you have to be to stand in a doorway while you're talking to somebody?
like
i have nothing better to do than say
'excuse me. i need to get through here.'
or
'coming through, please!'
or
'HEY, ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING DOORWAY!'
you'd think that at some point pavlov would kick in and that a candle flame would ignite in their tiny little minds and they would think
'stand in doorway bad. me move from way.'
but no!
these dipshits never learn to take an extra three steps
three little steps!
what the fuck?
you know what i think these fucktards need?
a bit of the old ultra violence
a tolchock to the bleeding gulliver
fucking negative reinforcement
next time
ball up your fist up real tight and popeye punch these assholes in the ear as hard as you can and when they're laying on the carpet in a fetal heap scream at them in a shrill voice
'SORRY! YOU WERE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY AND WHEN YOU STAND IN THE DOORWAY OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T GET PAST YOU! IN THIS CASE YOU WOULD, IN FACT MAKE A BETTER WINDOW THAN A FUCKING DOOR! WATCH THAT SHIT IN THE FUTURE, ASSHOLE!'
yeah
it'd be a bummer thing to do
at first
but
after about the eighteenth time
i bet those morons clear the fuck out of your way whenever they even think about you
psych 101?
make friends with it, gang
like
i have nothing better to do than say
'excuse me. i need to get through here.'
or
'coming through, please!'
or
'HEY, ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING DOORWAY!'
you'd think that at some point pavlov would kick in and that a candle flame would ignite in their tiny little minds and they would think
'stand in doorway bad. me move from way.'
but no!
these dipshits never learn to take an extra three steps
three little steps!
what the fuck?
you know what i think these fucktards need?
a bit of the old ultra violence
a tolchock to the bleeding gulliver
fucking negative reinforcement
next time
ball up your fist up real tight and popeye punch these assholes in the ear as hard as you can and when they're laying on the carpet in a fetal heap scream at them in a shrill voice
'SORRY! YOU WERE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY AND WHEN YOU STAND IN THE DOORWAY OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T GET PAST YOU! IN THIS CASE YOU WOULD, IN FACT MAKE A BETTER WINDOW THAN A FUCKING DOOR! WATCH THAT SHIT IN THE FUTURE, ASSHOLE!'
yeah
it'd be a bummer thing to do
at first
but
after about the eighteenth time
i bet those morons clear the fuck out of your way whenever they even think about you
psych 101?
make friends with it, gang
But...
of course
i couldn't really ever hurt anybody
sometimes
it's just kind of soothing
to think about that stuff
like
'if i whack that fuck in the back of the skull with that giant ass jug of mazola oil i could be next in line. i'd probably make it to the parking lot by november and everything.'
or
'she ate my last doughnut. guess i'll drop kick her ass off the fucking roof. fair is fair, you know? i mean, we ARE talking krispy-kreme here.'
or
'hmmmmmmmm... is it still against the law to park a car on some lunkhead's fat fucking neck or did that revenge thing get voted in last time? i was killing poodles for satan that day.'
see?
i feel better already...
i couldn't really ever hurt anybody
sometimes
it's just kind of soothing
to think about that stuff
like
'if i whack that fuck in the back of the skull with that giant ass jug of mazola oil i could be next in line. i'd probably make it to the parking lot by november and everything.'
or
'she ate my last doughnut. guess i'll drop kick her ass off the fucking roof. fair is fair, you know? i mean, we ARE talking krispy-kreme here.'
or
'hmmmmmmmm... is it still against the law to park a car on some lunkhead's fat fucking neck or did that revenge thing get voted in last time? i was killing poodles for satan that day.'
see?
i feel better already...
Stone Cold Crazy
one of the worse things you can say to someone who's totally out of their fucking mind is, 'you know you're out of your fucking mind, right?'.
know why?
because the insane are always the last ones to know.
this can be applied to other areas as well...
know why?
because the insane are always the last ones to know.
this can be applied to other areas as well...
Fun Things To Yell At Your Cat
'what? timmy fell down the well? up at big rock mountain?'
'grow a thumb, ya cave beast!'
'you and what army?'
'if i see him i'll be sure to let him know!'
'aw, banana oil!'
'yeah? how's about i drop kick your ass into next week?'
'no soup for you!'
'you want some of me? do ya? well, lets mambo, tough guy!'
'meow? meow THIS, ya cunt!'
'grow a thumb, ya cave beast!'
'you and what army?'
'if i see him i'll be sure to let him know!'
'aw, banana oil!'
'yeah? how's about i drop kick your ass into next week?'
'no soup for you!'
'you want some of me? do ya? well, lets mambo, tough guy!'
'meow? meow THIS, ya cunt!'
Midgets
You know, if you're driving around and you spot a midget through the window it's almost impossible to tell how tall they are. Unless they're standing next to a mail box or something. You have got to have that point of reference or you're just fucked out of luck, man.
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