Read This

some people listen to n.p.r. everyday
and they believe whatever they hear
they hang out with people who do the same
and they all agree
and it feels good

some people watch network news everyday
and they believe whatever they hear
they hang out with people who do the same
and they all agree
and it feels good

but

if all you read are western novels
all you are going to know about are western novels
and when other people talk about vonnegut
you won't know what they are talking about

not having knowledge of something
doesn't make you more correct
in your assumptions
it only means that you should learn more...

Party Dream

i had a really strange dream
one of those hollywood party dreams
the kind that have famous people with names i can't spell
and that would take far too long for me to figure out how to type
the basic deal was this though:

BEAUTY IF FLEETING SO DON"T BE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT
IT'S ALSO NOT PROOF OF SANITY OR ANYTHING ELSE, SO THERE, MOTHERFUCKER!

just before i woke up
jill
the weather babe from the morning news
on channel 11
here in l.a.
who's party it was
asked me if i had ever got in a fist fight with someone
because i didn't believe that they were psychic

i said
not really
i'm a pisces so that doesn't happen very often

she smiled at this
and said that
wouldn't other people be aware that that was going to happen
and try to avoid it?

i started to laugh
and she said
no
not because they are psychic
but because of all the other fist fights that they get into
because they aren't

i love blondes
even when my mind makes them up

you know
disney said that
a dream is a wish that your heart makes
(at least someone that worked for disney did)
and that might sound like a nice thing to say
but
if i remember right
disney was a transvestite
who had his head frozen
so i'm thinking
'woah, uncle walt! we might be talking grain of salt over here!'

but enough about me...

Party

i can't really think of a perfect party that i ever attended

and i mean Perfect

one where the room was spinning in just the right way
and all the colors were just right
and the music was exactly what it should have been
and the moment froze in my head like an imax frame
sounds and smells included
one of those moments that you smile about when you're not listening to somebody
and they ask what you're thinking
and you say "nothing"

one of those parties

maybe that's what i'm really looking for

in some ways

maybe we all are

Action Packed!

i dunno about you

but

whenever i look into a mirror
i never see myself
not really
i tend to ask
"who's that 50 year old fat fuck that's looking at me?"

then seconds pass

and i think about drinking

yet again

life on earth?

it's fucking action packed, kids!

Pinko

i went to a party the other night and the host wondered if i'd like a pinko.

"a pinko?", i asked, "what's that?".

he answered, "it's a white russian with a dash of borscht.".

"dude,", i replied, "i might lean to the left but i don't lean THAT far to the left."

The Top Ten Reasons The Burffle Isn't A Korf

10) we stood on the grelm
9) there once was a driff on the keegle
8) two knoigles don't add up to a roalff
7) he stuppled a cloygle
6) a pluggle and a burufnez ain't no groff
5) what? me tuuurglee?
4) tuesday
3) nine
2) mom says burffley
1) kersploygoin!

Voting

there once was a prez and he got his dick sucked in the white house
and a whole buncha 'publicans got all pissed off
and closed the entire goverment down
like a bunch of fucking kids in a goddamn schoolyard

then

arnold wants to get elected and a bunch of 'crats get all pissed off
cuz he might have grabbed an ass back in 1970
and a buncha chicks get pissed cuz he called people "girly men"
like a bunch of fucking kids in a goddamn schoolyard

know what?

fucking blow me

i'm not going to play anymore

you all fucking suck and you can fucking kiss the fuck outta my fucking fat white ass

there...

i just fucking voted...


eat me...

Paws

i twitch for a fix of my favorite drug
a look that could cook me or maybe a hug
a lump in the throat like a bolt from above
even a dead dove needs love

time like a lime can sure screw up one's face
cats chase the rats as we join in the race
cards can cut hard when you joke with an ace
even the spacey need space

worlds spin
mouths grin
corks pop
hearts stop
gears move
souls groove
night calls
we fall
eyes wide
inside
i fret
you bet
moving through nothing and yet:

we know that to toe that thin line is insane
prancing and dancing with fog in the rain
grab straws with both paws and slide down the drain
even the strange must be tamed

Rappers

what's the deal with these scowling rappers? guys that look like they wanna punch you in the fucking face? i'm thinking marketing ploy aimed at 14 year old assholes who confuse being "tough" with being cool.

"yo, yo, yo, motherfucker. i'm just keeping it real, see what i'm saying? i'm from the motherfucking streets, see what i'm saying? i'm just telling shit like it is and shit, see what i'm saying? shit, bitch! where's my motherfucking lemo? i gots to get to sony so i can pick up my motherfucking check! if i piss off the white motherfucker who owns my motherfucking ass i'm not gonna get paid, see what i'm saying? i got to get my bling on or the punkass white motherfucking fans of mine will think i'm not all up in there and shit, beee-atch!"

one of the things i love about the beatles is that they were funny.

and they thought that love was cool too.

see what i'm saying?

How To Be Happy

1) get a file sharing program

2) download "alphabet lost and found" by they might be giants

3) drink as needed

4) listen over and over until you know the words

5) drink more (but only as needed)

6) lock the doors

7) crank the fucker up to 12 and scream along not giving a flying fuck what others think about it. (strip naked and dance if you'd like)

8) smile and kiss the sky

for more information consult your local muse

Supermarket 4

Have you ever been in a supermarket and you had to step around some bonehead who's standing there with a cell phone asking whoever is on the other end what type of milk he's supossed to buy?

Do you know why that happened?

Because the guy owns a cell phone and now he doesn't have to remember things like types of milk anymore. All he has to do is call and ask.

I think that technology might be a bad thing in the hands of average people.

Then again, I know how to write a grocery list.

The Eloi Blues

3, 5, 7, 9
The siren blow and they fall in line

My old lady is an Eloi
She gots that pure white skin
I say my old lady is an Eloi
Gots that pure white skin
When she smile I lose my senses
Don't know what time zone I'm in

Well, my baby is an Eloi
Just hang around all day
You know, my baby is an Eloi
She hang around all day
When she kiss me I go crazy
I don't know what to say

(middle eight)

Well, my woman is an Eloi
Looks like Yvette Mimieux
I say, my woman is an Eloi
Looks like Yvette Mimieux
You know, she's just meat for the Morlocks
I don't know what to do



(for H.G. Welles)

Supermarket 3

overheard at the supermarket:

"well... i'd rather not see a movie at all than watch it on vhs."

and my first thought was "does this guy vote?"

let's say... you know, i'm pretty artsy and i love movies so i'm gonna run with this one for a mo. let's say you go to somebody's house and there's a movie playing on the tv. a really good one. like "clockwork orange", or "some like it hot", or "godzilla vs. megalon", or something and you haven't seen it in a long time and you say, "ooh! i love this movie!". you sit down and start grooving on it and, in passing somebody says, "i can't wait to find this on dvd. it's got extra stuff and everything.".

what do you do?

get up and leave rather than suffer through the pain and sorrow of sitting through a vhs?

if you answer "yes" to this question you don't know scratch about cinema, you don't know anything about art, and you should go grab a cookie and a nap while the grown-ups are talking.

Zombi 2

a friend (heather michelle) posted a couple of caps in her journal from a movie called "zombi 2", where a zombie fights a shark!

yes!

that's right!

A ZOMBIE FIGHTS A FUCKIN' SHARK!!!

'know what?

you can take your "who wants to be a heroin freak and finger barf backstage at a fashion show?" and "america's next artless pop robot who's working for the man", and "lemme fuck a rich guy so my friends will be impressed with me because i don't really understand love" and shove them up your ass!

fuck reality tv!

i want fantasy tv!

i wanna see sharks vs. zombies!
i wanna see vampires bowling!
i wanna see werewolves driving monster trucks!

WAIT!!!

a zombie bites a shark and it turns into a zombie shark and it attacks a beach in the summer and it bites a bunch of hot chicks who hitch hike on monster trucks driven by werewolves who crash into a bowling alley full of vampires and the building explodes and everybody dies except for the hot blond zombie beach chick (played by kaley cuoco) who loses her clothes and walks around slowly under the fire sprinklers for twenty minutes while soft jazz saxophone music plays and i ruin yet another pair of tube socks (if you know what i mean).

THAT'S ENTERFUCKINGTAINMENT!!!

Kids

back when i was a kid i did all kinds of things that i wasn't supposed to do. shoplifted, joy rode in stolen cars, ditched school and got real drunk and danced around the living room naked while blasting alice cooper, dropped acid, played around with heroin, the list is almost endless. these days i don't do any of that stuff anymore. well...i still get real drunk and blast alice cooper but now i dance sitting on a couch fully clothed.

the point being: i did stupid things, learned that they were stupid, and then stopped. IT'S JUST MY OPINION HERE but i think doing wrong things are a part of life. my parents didn't have a thing to do with it. they were "oldtimers" and "didn't understand" myself or my friends or our modern life style. what did they know?

sure. there are things that you should watch out for but maybe not all the time.

i'm really pissed off at this pc world that we live in. this idea that if we get rid of all the "bad" things everything will be fine. kids raised like that are going to grow up to be assholes that can't stand waiting in line, litter because it's too far to walk to the trash can, and think that just because they are on a cell phone that everybody else should shut up. they're going to be so "special" that they suck at being actual.

i check out chicks on line, don't want to have anything to do with child porn, and have no desire to meet anyone that i've spent time with in real life. the net and the sidewalk are two different things.

how come there are no shows about guys like me?

because nobody would watch, the ratings would dip, and they would lose millions in advertising dollars.

that's why.

learn to laugh at the media.

it's laughing at you...

Drinks

can we stop with the high energy drinks now?
how about some calm the fuck down drinks?
i wouldn't mind having a couple of cases of that stuff on hand at all tines.

Bus

i sit on busses and i see, out the window
all kinds of people running this way and that
they often tell me, "hey! be one of us people!"
i'm not a people i'm a fat cartoon cat

i sit on couches and i see, on my tv
all kinds of people screaming this stuff and that
i often hear them screaming, "buy this, you people!"
i don't have credit so to me it's chit chat

who do you when
what you did way back then? and
why should you cry
when you maybe soon die? and
where do you look
if it's by hook or crook? and
try first then buy
cuz it might be a lie

i sit on benches and i see, passing by me
all kinds of people looking this way and that
i see them looking, they say, "wow! check out that thing!"
"it's bright and shiney and it beats what i have!"

who do you when
what you did way back then? and
why should you cry
when you maybe soon die? and
where do you look
if it's by hook or crook? and
try first then buy
cuz it might be a lie

who do you when
what you did way back then? and
why should you cry
when you maybe soon die? and
where do you look
if it's by hook or crook? and
try first then buy
cuz it might be a lie

Wallpaper

alright, let's mambo, kids...

you know, a lot of people are pretty good with photoshop. i know this is true because i'm not bad myself. i'm no god or anything. there's a lot of stuff that i don't know how to do but i pretty much rock at an upper medium level. i've got a book and all but i'm just too lazy to crack the thing open. well, maybe "too busy" is more like it. i've got this huge writer's block so i can't finish my novel, for example. i'm thinking i'll blow off the guilt of that and just write the screenplay first. naw, you're not gonna like it. it'll be a film instead of a movie. besides, nobody really likes "angora" anyway. don't worry. if i get the screenplay finished a lot of you will get an acrobat copy. just be ready to have it sit around on your hard drive for years.

i'm also busy trying to get the hang of cool edit so i can pull the radio show together. truth be told, i'm nine cuts into my first actual cd. i'm sitting around the house one day and it dawns on me, "fuck! i'm a record company! i outta do something about that!"

do you have a burner?

then check this shit out:

YOU'RE A RECORD COMPANY TOO!!!

get some programs, get off your ass, and make a fucking cd! can you make music? what are you waiting for? got a microphone? talk into it! read poetry, make answer machine messages, bitch about that fucking asshole and/or raving psycho bitch that really fucked the shit out of your life. did your parents sell crack so the CIA could afford guns and tanks for some weekend long war that nobody knows about? spill them beans! are you a nasty lil' girl who masturbates a lot? record your voice and send it to me! NOW!!! i'd love to hear all about it! throw in some pictures and some underwear and i'll make you a wallpaper or two.

and

speaking of wallpaper

(see how i did that? i got back on track with a lame (half) joke about underwear. yeah. i write. i can do stuff like that.)

why does every goddamn wallpaper in the world have text on it? i mean, i get some cool ass picture of marilyn monroe and it says "MARILYN MONROE" on it in giant fucking letters! no shit? is that her name? good thing you included that on the wallpaper or i'd have no idea who i'm looking at! thanks, mr. knowledge! what the fucking fuck? it's marilyn monroe for christ's sake! if you don't know what marilyn monroe looks like you shouldn't have her on your desktop!

you know what i love most about warhol's tomato soup cans? the fact that it says "A TOMATO SOUP CAN" across the top in giant fucking white letters. that's art!

ooh!

and "a clockwork orange"? it's one of the most perfect films ever made and you know the best part? it says "A FILM" in huge motherfucking block letters from the start to the end! right over the camera shots! that's why kubrick was a god, kids!

here's a big fucking clue for you guys: a lot of art is knowing when to stop. being able to say, "you know what? i'm not going to make my wallpaper like everybody else's wallpaper. i'm gonna stop with the photoshop before i look like a total fucking moron. i'm gonna get the image just right and then i'm gonna grab a snickers and a nap." that's what art is, breaking stupid rules and kicking ass.

you can apply this to your life too but you prob'ly wont.

Mystery Joke

i've been puzzled lately by a punchline that i keep thinking about.
it goes like this:

"...and then he raped your mother and beat a dolphin to death with a whiffle bat!"

i can't figure out how the joke that leads to that punchline goes but it really doesn't matter, i guess.

nobody would laugh at it anyway.

Positive Schmositive

what is positive?

whatever you believe in.

what is not?

whatever you don't.

i should give up the ramones, stephen king, and zombie movies because you don't have a total sense of art and/or humor?

blow me.

let's say i was going to get a movie made and i said to you, "here's five thousand dollars. i wannna make a cast of your head and blow the fucker up with fake blood and fake brains in it and we're gonna use a ramones tune when it happens."

would you do it?

if you would take a lesson.

if you wouldn't you are full of shit.

let's move on from there...

K.

i was thinking about k. the other day

(it happens on rare occasions)

she was great.

she wouldn't ask, "Do I look fat in this?", sucking me into some sort of mind game. she'd state, "I look so fat in this.", so i'd have to be all guy-like and play the mind game, "Are you kidding? You look amazing!"

her smile told me that i was doing well.

she once wrote me a note on the front of my t-shirt as we were talking and another time stole a hologram pin off of my jacket. both times without missing a beat. as if it were the most natural thing in the world. she'd grab my hand and drag me through the mall, showing me things in windows. i'd fake bitch about it and make jokes, loving the moment i was living in.

it WAS the most natural thing in the world.

i didn't have to act like i was in control. i just lived in the moment. i could react instead of ACT. her games were more real than my having to force my ideas of reality on things. they just... were.

she was the zen goddess of flirting.

i miss her a lot.

of course, she turned out to be crazy.

but

who the fuck isn't?

Everybody

everybody vomits
everybody shits
everybody sneezes
everybody farts
everybody lies
everybody makes mistakes

we're all just people. until we own up to our faults and calm the fuck down we will never be special. we will be a bunch of assholes who waste time talking about how special we are.

people who are so afraid of actually taking chances that we never do anything but agree, and, therefore never really learn anything.

fuck that noise...

Bite Me

you know those people?
the ones that can't really like something if you love it?
they say things like
well
that's something that you're into
like your fanship has somehow ruined it?
the same people that get really hurt
and then pissed off if you don't like something that they love?
like it's some personal attack or something?
like your love of the book 'blue movie' is pointless
and
if you were really cool
you'd be reading books written at a high school level
like 'illusions'
or something like that?
and
since their boyfriend
or sister
or best friend from college feels the same way
it's further proof that you're a loser?

like:
when i first got an on line journal i told everyone how great it is but nobody wanted one and now, since i think that my space sucks i'm a jerk?

screw those visionless robots...

Cockfighting

they busted up some cock fighting in town today.

what's the deal with that stuff?

am i the only person in the world that still loves a good tit fight?

Again With The Thinking

i keep thinking
that there's a perfect set of words
a collection of curves and straight lines
a set of magic pixels
and
if i wrote them
when she read them
all of her problems will be solved
well
maybe not solved
but pulled into focus
and simple to deal with

like turning the lights on
and
finding that the monster is only a coat over a chair

way do i bother?

because i'm an artist?
because i'm a moron?
because i'm trying to un-cause a car wreck?

if i could answer the questions that float through my skull i'd be a zillionaire

It's Still Just Typing

i think that i should point out
once again
that
what would text being flat and without tone there is a good chance
at any given time
that what you think you are reading into something written might be wrong
and that
when you are wrong it's your fault
and a learning experience

(much like this post)
(which wasn't written about you)
(i have much better things to do in life that waste time making you feel bad)
(you sick, paranoid, deluded, martyr, dip shit, childish, loser-fuck)

take it like a grown up and move on to whatever is happening next

high school is over
and this is real life

fuck you very much...

Going To L. In A Handbasket

i saw l. today
being the rough tough manly man that i am
i totally forgot how she never writes to me
even after she promised that she would
we made eye contact
and
i melted like a nestle's crunch bar in a long shoreman's arm pit

god

i'm such a fucking lame ass...

That Pointless Paris Hilton Piece

at what point exactly did it become obvious that she was a whore?
was it that cover story in 'big fucking whore monthly'?
that interview on the tonight show where she said to jay leno, 'well, in my spare time i'm a whore.'
maybe it was that time you gave her money for sex and said, 'thanks, you huge stinking whore!'?

know what i think?

i think you heard some dip shit hanging around the water cooler at work
or some skank at the lunch table
quoting some stupid joke
and that hundredth monkey thing kicked in
and then
whenever you were reminded of her
the first thing that kicked in
was the thought
'whore'
it's pavlov for the trendies
and i refuse to play

again
she might be a raving bitch and a full on idiot
i have no idea
i don't know her personally
but
does having a scumbag ex-boyfriend that sells a private tape make someone a whore?

calm the fuck down

it's only the media
and
the hundredth monkey
only has an average intelligence

Another Great Idea

you know what i think would be a great idea? having a guy on the news that asks questions. wouldn't that be amazing?

'and now, with the big questions, our own wally carlson. wally?'

'well, the president said this and the governor said that and congress said something else. the big question this week? who gives a shit? i mean, none of that chatter really has anything to do with you so whatever, am i right? back to you, steve.'

'thanks, wally. truer words were never spoken. now let's go to the sports desk.'


you may say i'm a dreamer but i'm not the...
hmmmmm...
maybe i am the only one.

All You Need Is An Empty Soul

i honestly feel that any company that would even consider using the song 'all you need is love' in their ad campaign should be blown up, rebuilt, and blown up again. and, when they got to hell the people who work for them should be kicked in the nuts over and over and over again for the rest of whatever. yeah. i know what you're thinking. what about the women? they should be assigned nuts and then have them kicked over and over and over again for the rest of whatever. oh! and their children should be forced to watch.

Supermarket 2

the folks who shop at my local supermarket amaze me. it's like picking up food at a mental hospital.

you're aware, of course that there are actually people that think that if they get mad at you it's because you're an asshole and that they shouldn't have to deal with that negativity. you shouldn't bring their reality down to that low a level. you should stop invading their space.

they also think that if you are mad at them it's because you are an asshole and that they shouldn't have to deal with that kind of negativity. you really shouldn't bring their reality down to that low a level. there's no need for finger pointing.

'know what i call these people?

that's right

assholes

and their parents?

assholes

isn't it strange how everything ties together?