Why The Hell Do I Even Bother?

you know
there's a lot of stupid laws in this country
like
in california
where i live
you can't buy booze between the hours of two in the morning and six
for the life of me i can't imagine why
like
if you show up at one thirty
you can buy a fucking truckload of booze
but
at two
your ass is grass

(as the kids say these days)

but that's the law, daddy
live with the motherfucker
and
yeah
it sucks like a hoover
but
they can't ever change it
cuz
there'd be dipshits
yelling
'it's after two and i bought booze!
yeeeee haw!'
and
then
there'd be a car wreck
or
a murder
or
fucking
whatever

you can't even smoke in bars anymore

what the fuck is that shit?

why can't we have a law where
there are these signs
one has a lit cigarette on it
and
another has a cigarette
with one of those
big red circle crosses on it?

and the owner of the bar gets to choose?

that way
you'd know which bar to go to
you could go where you want to go

some bars would have smoking
some wouldn't

everything would be cool

but

that would never happen

wanna know why?

because then we'd be free

that's why

i hate this stupid fucking world

logic should always win

but

that will never happen either

welcome to the world these days!

stupid people win

and

it's all about bending over

grease up, gang

and smile at the watchmen

it's only gonna get worse...

Kicked In The Butt By City Hall

when i was about 18 i actually called the city. i wanted to know how i could get help with my fucked up mind. after about nine hours and about fifty four forwards to other people it turned out that, since i'd never kill anybody or blow up a bank or anything that i was pretty much on my own.

they could help me if i was dangerous but, if i was just a pain in the ass i was fucked.

story of my goddamn life, gang...

The "P" Word

hebbs
(a net friend)
has a prob with the word

'pussy'

(being a rather proper noun)

(if you ask me)

now
it doesn't bother me
as a word
i actually think it's pretty pretty
and
i didn't bring this up
i read it about two weeks ago
and
i've been thinking about it

(um...
not THAT much!
calm
the
fuck
down!)

and

well

how about "toaster"?

it's warm
and it makes loafs rise

and

um?
visually?
sideways?

you know

i'm just putting it out there...

Pants

wait a minute here!

we've now got cars that can park themselves?

where the hell are my vr pants and marilyn monroe chip?

Humor 101

there really is this new trend
this thing where we live in such a pc ridden
bullshit
pussy ass country
that being weird is passing for funny
shit like family guy
and borat
and tom greene

i just saw the first 5 minutes of jackass 2
and
it's a freak show
there is no comedy structure

bulls running around smashing shit up and some schmuck's dick in a sock taking on a snake?
that's NOT FUNNY
it's pee pee ca-ca wee wee schoolyard crap

try some marx brothers
get into w.c. fields
snort some bill hicks
check out firesign
eat a plate of zappa

that's fucking anarchy, gang

Thing

you know that thing?

where you need something
or
maybe you just want it real bad
and fool yourself into needing it
but you can't say what it is
(and you're not just being coy)
because if you say it
it will happen because you mentioned it
and that's not the same as it
actually happening?

i feel that way everyday...

Saturday Afternoon

so

this friend of my grandmother has lost her mind. she was a sharp old broad, very funny, very cool with her herd of pets. so cool that she took my cat to the cat killer place when the cat was falling apart because i'm just way too much of a wimp to do that kind of thing myself. and she caught this flu or something that knocked her old lady ass into bed and, after the flu went away so did her mind and she's now in an old folks home where she gets lost on the way from her room to the dining room and she doesn't have her animals anymore and her daughter got her a stuffed dog and she petted it and thought that it was a real dog and asked her daughter if the dog might bite. and she used to be so together and now she's all in pieces.

i heard about this
and i snapped a bit

and i drank a lot
and slept a lot
and i woke up
and drank a lot
and slept a lot
because i'm an old fuck
and i'm afraid for my mind

and now it's saturday

how have you guys been?

Them Wacky Gays

i really
kinda
side with them gay folk
i won't top
or bottom
or nothing
but i do tend to side with them
they're really just people trying to be who they are
just trying to survive
and not cry too much

i have got to respect that
honesty being best and all
life being live

besides

if we wipe them out
who'd be next?

people who just aren't happy?
people who don't give a shit about big useless cars?
people who like to suck down some booze and a bowl of smoke and watch 'the outer limits'?
people who laugh at how stupid we are?

you know

'those weirdos'?

you know

me?

or

you know

you?

Oh!

you're aware that i don't know fuck all about what i'm talking about

right?

they're all just theories

i'm only a genius/moron

i'm just a putz with a keyboard

and

you are the only you

run with that motherfuckers...

psssssst...

(i want you guys to stop thinking about the carrot
you should be thinking about who's holding the string)

Fuck!

fuck videos
fuck mtv
fuck vh1
fuck bet
fuck soul train
fuck your mom
fuck your dad
fuck your teacher
fuck that guy from high school
fuck being sheepish
fuck your radio
fuck your tv
fuck your pod
fuck the net
fuck file sharing
fuck broadband
fuck rap
fuck american idol
fuck that guy with the cool car and the bass speakers
fuck top 40
fuck dancing with the stars
fuck the world
fuck you
fuck me
fuck everything

what ever fucking happened to songs?

You Know, Love Ain't All That Bad

there's gotta be a word for it. most likely something
yiddish or something. like:

SMURFEL: even though you pretty much hate everything
and want it all to explode in a big ass bloody mess
there are some moments wherein you just wanna swoon
deeply and say something stupid like, "Wow! Nice
tummy!".

or

FLOYNBEE: a deep seated feeling that everything is
really okay after all and that you should shut the
hell up and just groove on it.

maybe

GURFSHULS: so goddamn cute in every sense of the word
that you just melt into a puddle of goop in your shoes
even.

something like that

not that exactly

but

you know

something like that...


(for Heather Michelle)

Voting No On Yes

i honestly feel that it's your RIGHT to vote
and
your DUTY to vote WISELY
seeing as to how i don't know beans about politics
i don't vote

maybe
just
maybe
you should stay out of it too

i mean
you wouldn't operate on a brain
or
pilot an airplane
would you?

not unless you knew how?

so

why fuck around with an entire country?

Learning Is Free (sort of)

you never hear about some guy (or gal, let's be fair here) who goes to hell and it turns out that he (or she) should really go to heaven. it's always the other way things go. that god guy is always in charge. look! everything's cool. just don't be an asshole (or a cunt, let's be fair again). it all works out in the end. forget about the glossy stuff, blow off your ego, fuck the pride and live life like a nice person. you don't have to believe in god. you don't have to believe in anything. just stop believing in being a dip shit and it will all work out. it's all out there. everything can work if you just shut the fuck up. it's my world as well. try to listen. then stop. read more. notice that glitter is pointless. wait in line. take naps while awake. let your fist rest. love art. love being wrong. love love. love learning.

learn.

learn.

let yourself learn.

being wrong is learning.

kill your mask.

grow the fuck up.

screw god.

screw your guru.

screw you.

learn.

learn to love to learn.

9ine

was thinking about ernest borgnine today and i thought, that's just what i need. an earnest borg 9.

aw, blow me. i thought it was funny.

ungrateful jerks...

Popes

if they get to the point wherein they elect a pope called john paul georgearingo i'll think about joining the church

you know

i'll think about it

Dreaming (again)

i was reading 'on the road'. kerouac, right? born march 12, just like me. i'm holding the book in my right hand because my left hand, the fem side hand, the heart side hand, the love hand, if you will is holding a foot. not gripping it tightly just holding, kind of cuddling the foot. the heal of my hand is resting in the arch of the foot and, when i look down at them this hand/foot combo looks sort of like two fish, one swimming up the other down. pisces time, right? the owner of the foot is a blonde who face is obscured by her hair. she's playing a video game and the door opens and this guy is standing there. his pissed and obviously her husband (sometimes you just KNOW these things, right?). he shakes his finger at us and says, 'why don't you two just fucking fuck awready?', and storms out of the room. she turns to me and says, 'what the fuck was that all about?', pronouncing the word 'about' 'a-boot'. big canada cloo, fo shore. i shrug my shoulders and reply, 'you got me on that one...' and we snuggle closer together.

and i wake up

thinking

if all my dreams were like this
i'd understand the whole goddamn universe.

Grim Facts

oingo boingo did not do 'turning japanese' it was the vapors
the kinks did not do 'what i like about you' it was the romantics
devo did not do 'pop musik' it was m (robin scott)
the tubes song 'she's a beauty' is not called 'one in a million girls'
almost every parody song that you have ever heard was not done by weird al they were done by asshole dj's and most of them aren't even all that funny
disco still sucks
myspace blows
peta is a scam
if you think that praise is the same as love you should seek help
soup actually is good food
and
freddy would have kicked jason's ass

did i leave anything out?

Wrap This!

lemme get this TOTALLY straight
you know
in case there's a test or something later
rap stars are just telling about what their lives are really like?
so what?
so did the beatles, the who, the kinks, joe jackson, devo, oingo boingo, laurie anderson, the dead kennedys, fats waller, the the, frank zappa, and paul simon
and that's just off the top of my head
and they don't suck or wear a gold hub cap on a giant stupid ass gold chain

Hear Here

you know what i don't hear very often these days?
'what the fuck does that mean?'
i think you should ask that a lot
even if you already know
just to see if the motherfucker knows what they're talking about...

The End Of "Con Air"

cyrus 'the virus'
is stuck to the front of a firetruck
and
he crashes through a glass skywalk
and
lands on high voltage wires
then
drops to a conveyor belt
where
he gets his head crushed by a pile driver
that's
just randomly smashing things at night
with
nobody around to supervise it?

that's not cinema, gang

that's MOVIEMAKING!!!

Here's The News

sometimes
while i'm flipping through the channels
i'll see some newscaster chick
droning on about some lame ass story
that doesn't really have a goddamn thing
to do with my life
and
i know that it's being broadcast live
so
i say rude things to her image
dirty things
twisted things
evil things
sick and nasty things
the kinds of things that i don't even write down here
cuz
i'm thinking
she might be psychic
and
you know
fuck newscasters, man...

Nov - 01 - 2006

i was thinking of posting some sort of halloween thing last night but i'm all broke and didn't have any beer or chocolate or anything and felt all bad and hated the entire world so i figured, 'screw those guys! what am i? halloween boy or something?' so i didn't even bother trying to figure something out which turned out kinda cool cuz i didn't have to worry about spelling things and that was fun for me to not have to bother doing. zounds! this earl grey can really kick your butt into overdrive, huh? aw, well... back to silent hill 3. it actually looks like i'm gonna hafta kill god. i hope it's a bad god though because i think that killing a good god would look really bad on my resume. or maybe that's just me. does anyone else hear those really noisy bats flying around outside? maybe that's just me as well. oh, wow! i just rembered that 'lost' is on tonight! monstro super cooly coolness! of course, what with halloween over we're sliding into christmas and that means i'll have to have dinner with the family. twice. so now i'm all pissed off that i'm not drinking. if you only take one thing away from this message let it be this: it never ends, kids. you might get a moment's rest now and then but, in a basic sense it just never ends...