In Dreams

i had a dream where i was fighting molemen with the fantastic four. at one point ben was cornered and really started kicking ass. he yelled. 'it's clobberin' time, bitches!' and i woke up laughing. i love when i wake up laughing.

The Old Thanksgiving Piece

what am i thankful for?

i guess that my country hasn't locked me up in some kind of camp so they can shut me up. that i can rant and rave like the unsane asshole that i am and post those ravings on the net. that there are actually people that bother reading my pointless shit. that i do feel love most of the time even though that whole late sixties/early seventies thing that i believed in more than anything ever died in fucking wimp ass flames as my co-people sold out for big fucking cars and shit like vh1 and american idol. that no matter what happens someone, somewhere, at sometime will raise his or her head and say 'fuck this shit! frank zappa was amazing!'. that at some point the american spirt will win out even though there is really no such thing right now. that freedom is just another word for kiss my ass, you stupid fucking drone.

i love this country.

i'm just really fucking pissed of at what has happened to it

My Peace Prize

oh, man!

i just had a great idea!

seriously!

check this shit out
i mean

i should get a nobel peace prize offa this motherfucker
check it out
famous people should do public service announcements
wherein they say
"Hi! I famous and you know what? I masturbate. You should too!"

i bet there'd be a lot less suicide
and people joining cults
and drug users
and murder
and war

yeah

i rule

i know

i know

i fucking know...

Paper

i was out of toilet paper last night. i hate that. yeah, who doesn't, right? so i'm stuck, sitting there and i figure, what the hell? so i'm ripping up the constitution, cuz it's pretty much worthless these days anyway. and i saw something printed on the back. it says (and i'm paraphrasing here), 'if you're too fucking stupid to look at the titles of songs that you listen to and you really think that the clash did a song called 'stop the catbox' or whatever you should go to your local post office and tell someone right away so that you can be killed. quickly and painfully but fucking killed. you know, just to help make the world a better place.'.

now

i didn't write the thing.
i'm just reporting what i saw.
there's really no need to get mad at me...

KISS THIS!!!

you know that thing?

where you kiss someone
or maybe you don't
and you exhale
and make a woof sound
or an oof sound
or a shoof sound
not a sound that can be turned into a word
just a tasty exhale
and the other person
breathes that in
they just be who they are and the moment clicks
and your toes fucking tingle
because you are just in the mo
and it's all good?

how could you hurt people after about fifteen or twenty of those?

why would you give a flying fuck about a car?

or a bank account?

or what you have been told on the news?

it's life, kids

stop stopping it

dig the fucker til you die

cuz

um

you will..

Mustard

dude!

what's the deal with mustard?

salami and mustard
pastrami and mustard
your mommy and mustard

that shit fucking rocks, man!

The Switch

if

there was a switch
a frankenstein switch
a big wooden handle
locking the metal contacts into switchness switch

and

CLICK!

SWITCH!

i wouldn't be here anymore

i'd flip that mo-fo like a coin
but
the pain and guilt that i'd pass on to the now?
when i check out?
the questions that i leave in my wake?
the way i make others wonder
why they fucked up?

i really can't do that...

but
christ
dude

it's really not my world anymore
i'm the biggest stick in the mud that you have ever heard of
i'm proof of nothing
i'm more than ready to pass that same stick on

so

go nuts!

live your top forty
MOR
and the hits just keep on coming!
i'd rather not think about anything
and just fit in
life

i'll just watch from over here

i'll be in the back of the bus

the guy hitting off the bottle in the paper bag...

Stuff I Want

they can't ALL be amazing, you know? the muses tap my shoulder and i pass the experiments on to you. it's hit and miss. i'm just a pop culture plumber. i go with the flow that flows how it goes when it flows and flows the way that it goes. i create so my head doesn't kill me. i'm nothing more than a guy who thinks up weird stuff and posts them. i'm the guy your mother never warned you about because she never knew a guy like me existed. i'm a nightmare with velvet gloves. i'm the pimp of the soft and slow slap to the face. i really want you to question the world around you. i want you to doubt. i want you to search. i want you to kick life in the nuts and laugh as it crumples to the floor. i want you to figure out who you are. i want you to get so ahead of the game that you think that i'm a wanker. i want you to love you just because of who you are. i want your friends to think that there is something seriously wrong with you. i want you to break down walls. i want you to blow up cars. i want you to eat nails. i want you to kick in windows. i want you to die with a grin on your face. i want you to pick up the thread. i want you to say fuck this. i want you to point to the speakers in the supermarket and say this fucking sucks. i want you to make fun of trends. i want you to understand that meat is food and that murder is murder. i want you to live. and live. and live. and live. and live. and live. and live. and die. i want you to kill fashion. i want you to break the chains. i want you to know that bling is working for the man. i want you to kiss top 40 off and live for art. i want you to smile. i want you to smile. i want you to smile. i want you to smile. i want you to smile...

Life (as yard sale)

um...

when you die your life becomes a yard sale
all the stuff that you thought was so important
is just stuff
average people wade through it
as they wait to die
and make it happen
all over again

love people
forgive others
try to understand
go for the zen
give stuff away
give love away
make art
be rude
have fun
kick ass
that's what really counts
nothing else matters

trust me on this

i saw it happen...

Loving Life

i dunno

i think that
maybe you should start loving your life rather early
if not
when that age thing
kicks in
like a wet brick to the face
you might drink a lot
you know
so you don't roam the streets at night
wanting to punch innocent people
in the gut
just because they remind you of old school teachers
that never warned you about this shit?

Universeseses

There's only one parallel universe that I'm even slightly interested in. The one where Danny Elfman did the soundtrack for "Ed Wood". Or, you know, the one where Carrie Fisher and I went to the same high school. That could have been kind of cool. Hmmmmmm... the cigarettes don't kill you and shots and malt liquor are free if you don't vote universe wouldn't suck too hard either.

And four or five more years of "Twin Peaks".
Did i mention walking through walls?

NO!
Fuck walking!
Teleportation!
Yeah! That'd be a winner!
Or maybe...

Phew!
Is it tired in here or is it just me?

Milk Is Truth

you know those milk cartons?
how you should open one end and not the other?
well
when i was a kid
sometimes
the milk carton would be mangled
the other end would be all fucked up and torn up
and it looked like a fucking bomb had gone off in the kitchen
they would say
'stupid milk carton! something should be done about that!'
i would say
'you should have tried to open the other end. milk cartons work that way.'
i'd get grounded for being a smart ass
sometimes i'd get smacked
but
i couldn't let it go
i wanted the truth to be known
that's all i'm really saying here

i'm not a normal person...