Look:
It's not pronounced "zoo-ology"
It's pronounced "zo-ology"
How do i know this?
Because it's not spelled "zooology"
You stupid fucks...
May 26, 2006
405 Days Later
FADE IN:
EXT. STREETS OF LOS ANGELES - DAY
"Cool Places" a song by the band Sparks begins.
We see a montage of empty streets, dead cars, vacant buildings, etc. Basic L.A. landmarks.
From a freeway overpass we see only a few vehicles and they’re not moving.
The Hollywood sign in need of cleaning.
Scraps of paper being blown along the Santa Monica pier.
A rather old set of corpses slumped at a bus stop.
Wilshire Boulevard, stretching all the way to the vanishing point with no one to be seen.
The empty parking lot of the Ralphs Market on Wilshire and Bundy.
Off in the distance we see a guy walking toward the store. He is wearing a black “Pinky and the Brain” baseball cap, a khaki hunter’s vest with lots of pockets over a black “Eraserhead” t-shirt, black pants, pink high top Converse basketball shoes with black laces, and headphones.
He is alone.
As he gets closer to the store he pulls a backpack off of his back and unzips it, taking out a gas mask. He takes off the headphones, puts on the gas mask, and then replaces the headphones. There are several shopping carts. He wheels one in through the shattered glass of the market’s doors.
CANNED FOOD ASILE
The shelves are almost empty.
He tosses cans of ravioli, tuna, and Spam into the cart.
Tosses in cans of mushrooms, carrots, corn, etc.
PRODUCE DEPT.
He passes fruits and vegetables that have rotted into nothingness months and months ago.
MEAT DEPT.
He passes rotted and decayed meat.
LIQUOR DEPT.
He loads a couple of half gallon bottles of Cap’t Morgan’s Spiced Rum into the cart.
BOTTLED WATER
He loads up the rest of the space in the cart with bottles of water.
EXT. AN ABANDONED CAR - DAY
A length of hose is inserted into the gas tank.
His mouth spits out some gas.
A five gallon gas can is being filled by the other end of the hose.
The rear window of the car is shattered by a crow bar.
He walks away from the car and up the street with the can of gas. Every car behind him still has a rear window. Every car he passes has the rear window shattered.
EXT. A BACKYARD - DAY
The gas can is filling a portable generator.
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
He empties an envelope of punch flavored Kool-Aid into a jug of water and ads sugar, shaking the jug after replacing the cap.
We travel through the house in a single Steadycam shot.
There are cases of bottled water and canned goods in large stacks.
Cases of beer and malt liquor.
A large freezer that has the word "SMOKES" spray painted on it.
A huge professional stereo system with two turntables and giant speakers.
About three thousand vinyl records arranged in shelves.
The biggest goddamned plasma television everyone has ever seen takes up an entire wall.
He enters this room and moves to a shelf on which hundreds and hundreds of DVD’s are held. He takes one.
Sitting on a large comfy couch he presses "Play"
The Twentieth Century Fox fanfare plays followed by Rod Serling’s voice.
It’s "Phantom of the Paradise"
He smiles.
GUY
I love this movie!
He does a shot of rum, chasing it with the Kool-aid.
He lights up a cigarette as the song "Goodbye Eddie Goodbye" begins in the movie.
FADE TO BLACK
EXT. STREETS OF LOS ANGELES - DAY
"Cool Places" a song by the band Sparks begins.
We see a montage of empty streets, dead cars, vacant buildings, etc. Basic L.A. landmarks.
From a freeway overpass we see only a few vehicles and they’re not moving.
The Hollywood sign in need of cleaning.
Scraps of paper being blown along the Santa Monica pier.
A rather old set of corpses slumped at a bus stop.
Wilshire Boulevard, stretching all the way to the vanishing point with no one to be seen.
The empty parking lot of the Ralphs Market on Wilshire and Bundy.
Off in the distance we see a guy walking toward the store. He is wearing a black “Pinky and the Brain” baseball cap, a khaki hunter’s vest with lots of pockets over a black “Eraserhead” t-shirt, black pants, pink high top Converse basketball shoes with black laces, and headphones.
He is alone.
As he gets closer to the store he pulls a backpack off of his back and unzips it, taking out a gas mask. He takes off the headphones, puts on the gas mask, and then replaces the headphones. There are several shopping carts. He wheels one in through the shattered glass of the market’s doors.
CANNED FOOD ASILE
The shelves are almost empty.
He tosses cans of ravioli, tuna, and Spam into the cart.
Tosses in cans of mushrooms, carrots, corn, etc.
PRODUCE DEPT.
He passes fruits and vegetables that have rotted into nothingness months and months ago.
MEAT DEPT.
He passes rotted and decayed meat.
LIQUOR DEPT.
He loads a couple of half gallon bottles of Cap’t Morgan’s Spiced Rum into the cart.
BOTTLED WATER
He loads up the rest of the space in the cart with bottles of water.
EXT. AN ABANDONED CAR - DAY
A length of hose is inserted into the gas tank.
His mouth spits out some gas.
A five gallon gas can is being filled by the other end of the hose.
The rear window of the car is shattered by a crow bar.
He walks away from the car and up the street with the can of gas. Every car behind him still has a rear window. Every car he passes has the rear window shattered.
EXT. A BACKYARD - DAY
The gas can is filling a portable generator.
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
He empties an envelope of punch flavored Kool-Aid into a jug of water and ads sugar, shaking the jug after replacing the cap.
We travel through the house in a single Steadycam shot.
There are cases of bottled water and canned goods in large stacks.
Cases of beer and malt liquor.
A large freezer that has the word "SMOKES" spray painted on it.
A huge professional stereo system with two turntables and giant speakers.
About three thousand vinyl records arranged in shelves.
The biggest goddamned plasma television everyone has ever seen takes up an entire wall.
He enters this room and moves to a shelf on which hundreds and hundreds of DVD’s are held. He takes one.
Sitting on a large comfy couch he presses "Play"
The Twentieth Century Fox fanfare plays followed by Rod Serling’s voice.
It’s "Phantom of the Paradise"
He smiles.
GUY
I love this movie!
He does a shot of rum, chasing it with the Kool-aid.
He lights up a cigarette as the song "Goodbye Eddie Goodbye" begins in the movie.
FADE TO BLACK
May 25, 2006
Late Night Olympics
I don't know about you but I'm a bit of a night owl. I sit up late
and suck up television while the rest of the world sleeps, right?
This being the case I have been lucky enough to catch some of the
more obscure Olympic games. The ones that you guys missed
because of your sleep patterns. Being the nice guy that I am I kind
of feel it's my duty to fill you in on the winners of these games.
Knocking Richard Simmons off of a bar stool with a tennis ball
serving machine was won by the USA. No biggie here. It was a
lock.
Standing around quietly while waiting for the phone to ring went to
Canada. No big surprise here either. They kill at this. They do it
every goddamn day.
Six man luge on an upturned coffee table was won by the French.
Nobody really knows why. I'm thinking it might have been the
wine.
Turning into a bat and feeding off of the townspeople was a gold
for Rumania. Geeze! They win that every year! Like we had a
chance!
Limbo for fat guys was nabbed by Japan. For some reason the
limbo has become a huge thing over there. I don't know. I guess
they just love old American pop culture or whatever.
I hope this has caught all of you up and we can get back into
watching "Saturday Night Live".
and suck up television while the rest of the world sleeps, right?
This being the case I have been lucky enough to catch some of the
more obscure Olympic games. The ones that you guys missed
because of your sleep patterns. Being the nice guy that I am I kind
of feel it's my duty to fill you in on the winners of these games.
Knocking Richard Simmons off of a bar stool with a tennis ball
serving machine was won by the USA. No biggie here. It was a
lock.
Standing around quietly while waiting for the phone to ring went to
Canada. No big surprise here either. They kill at this. They do it
every goddamn day.
Six man luge on an upturned coffee table was won by the French.
Nobody really knows why. I'm thinking it might have been the
wine.
Turning into a bat and feeding off of the townspeople was a gold
for Rumania. Geeze! They win that every year! Like we had a
chance!
Limbo for fat guys was nabbed by Japan. For some reason the
limbo has become a huge thing over there. I don't know. I guess
they just love old American pop culture or whatever.
I hope this has caught all of you up and we can get back into
watching "Saturday Night Live".
May 21, 2006
And now the news:
Madonna played to a sell out crowd in Los Angeles tonight. The none too good looking ex-professional boy's masturbation fantasy and wanky ass pop star said, "While it's true that I am richer than all of creation I'm so fucked in the head that I still need attention from people that I don't actually know in person." She then added, in a very phony English accent, "Know what I mean, gov?" Twenty minutes after making that statement she was shot in the face by someone who the police didn't bother trying to contain, figuring the world would now be a much better place. They were right. She is now dead. We'll have more on this story just as soon as the three people left who give a shit bother calling the station and asking us for it.
May 18, 2006
Hitting My Head On The Ironyboard
i just knocked over a flashlight
it hit the floor and broke open
scattering the batteries under the desk
i can only see one of them
it's odd
the one thing i need to look for the battery
is lost under my desk
that's my life, gang
the whole mother fucker in a nutshell...
it hit the floor and broke open
scattering the batteries under the desk
i can only see one of them
it's odd
the one thing i need to look for the battery
is lost under my desk
that's my life, gang
the whole mother fucker in a nutshell...
May 17, 2006
Christ On A Crutch!
so...
either christ was married or he wasn't
(if he even existed in the first place)
who gives a shit?
what's the dif?
so fucking what?
who said that if you're the son of god you can't be married?
i don't remember ever hearing that. how does that work? if you're the son of god and you say, "I do.", does your head explode or something? was christ like rumplestiltskin? could you get rid of him with a word trick?
it's like getting in a debate about his shoe size:
"If he had size 12 1/2 feet he could walk on water and, therefore he was the son of god. But, if his feet were size 10 or smaller his feet wouldn't cover as much of the water's surface and he wauld sink, proving that he was a human."
of course he was a human.
if he wasn't he'd still be hanging on a cross waiting to die.
why can't you be the son of god and still be human? he ate food, didn't he? he slept, and woke up, and bled when he was cut. what does that tell you?
shouldn't they be talking about what the guy SAID?
i think that if you read any of those books you should do yourself a favor and read one of the books about how none of that stuff is true. you know, just to be on the safe side?
you shouldn't believe something just because everybody else does.
trendys are suckers and fashion is for followers.
back about a gerzillion years ago people thought that the world was the center of the universe. in fact, if you didn't believe it you were killed. as it turned out, those folk were wrong.
there was this book once called "chariots of the gods". it was about how space people have been visiting us since the cave days. many people thought that it was true. it WAS in a book and all. as it turned out, it was all a bunch of crap that a guy wrote so he could sell a lot of books.
most people thought that it was a great idea to send a shitload of our young people over to some sandy place to kill a bunch of bad guys. if you didn't believe that it was a good idea you were called an unamerican...
i think you can see what i'm getting at here
use your mind
or
don't
me?
i have to see the movie because ron howard directed it and tom hanks is in it. i just saw a clip though and i seriously doubt that the painting of the mona lisa has a secret message on it that you can only see with a black light.
other than that, the painting of the last supper has an "M" in it if you squint and trace the outline of some of the figures sitting at one side of the table. that "M" is proof that he was married.
HUH?
who the fuck says? maybe it stands for "Mercury" and we should all run out and buy a car.
or "Merlot". he liked wine, right? 'even turned water into it.
what's the latin word for "married"?
does it even start with an "M"?
maybe it does.
i don't know.
but, it looks like a very badly scrawled "M" if you ask me. it looks like some dipshit is making something up and is reaching real hard to prove it. what about the other side of the painting? what letter can you find there? and what would it stand for if you did find one?
i don't care about the book.
and i think i'm gonna laugh real hard during the movie...
either christ was married or he wasn't
(if he even existed in the first place)
who gives a shit?
what's the dif?
so fucking what?
who said that if you're the son of god you can't be married?
i don't remember ever hearing that. how does that work? if you're the son of god and you say, "I do.", does your head explode or something? was christ like rumplestiltskin? could you get rid of him with a word trick?
it's like getting in a debate about his shoe size:
"If he had size 12 1/2 feet he could walk on water and, therefore he was the son of god. But, if his feet were size 10 or smaller his feet wouldn't cover as much of the water's surface and he wauld sink, proving that he was a human."
of course he was a human.
if he wasn't he'd still be hanging on a cross waiting to die.
why can't you be the son of god and still be human? he ate food, didn't he? he slept, and woke up, and bled when he was cut. what does that tell you?
shouldn't they be talking about what the guy SAID?
i think that if you read any of those books you should do yourself a favor and read one of the books about how none of that stuff is true. you know, just to be on the safe side?
you shouldn't believe something just because everybody else does.
trendys are suckers and fashion is for followers.
back about a gerzillion years ago people thought that the world was the center of the universe. in fact, if you didn't believe it you were killed. as it turned out, those folk were wrong.
there was this book once called "chariots of the gods". it was about how space people have been visiting us since the cave days. many people thought that it was true. it WAS in a book and all. as it turned out, it was all a bunch of crap that a guy wrote so he could sell a lot of books.
most people thought that it was a great idea to send a shitload of our young people over to some sandy place to kill a bunch of bad guys. if you didn't believe that it was a good idea you were called an unamerican...
i think you can see what i'm getting at here
use your mind
or
don't
me?
i have to see the movie because ron howard directed it and tom hanks is in it. i just saw a clip though and i seriously doubt that the painting of the mona lisa has a secret message on it that you can only see with a black light.
other than that, the painting of the last supper has an "M" in it if you squint and trace the outline of some of the figures sitting at one side of the table. that "M" is proof that he was married.
HUH?
who the fuck says? maybe it stands for "Mercury" and we should all run out and buy a car.
or "Merlot". he liked wine, right? 'even turned water into it.
what's the latin word for "married"?
does it even start with an "M"?
maybe it does.
i don't know.
but, it looks like a very badly scrawled "M" if you ask me. it looks like some dipshit is making something up and is reaching real hard to prove it. what about the other side of the painting? what letter can you find there? and what would it stand for if you did find one?
i don't care about the book.
and i think i'm gonna laugh real hard during the movie...
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