Old People

i have come to the conclusion that old people don't really have trouble hearing. what they have trouble doing is paying attention. if you say something they never try to understand you WHILE you are talking. they wait until you have finished and then say, 'What?', so you have to say the whole fucking thing over again. they never say, "What was that about the soap dish?" or, "How much do you need for the paper boy?". they never 'what?' you followed by the last few words that you say. they make you say the whole goddamn thing twice. more often than not while the tv is blasting some shit thing like court tv or fucking 'cops'.

and why do they watch those shit shows? because if they watched movies or old sitcoms they'd have to pay attention so it would make sense.

see how it all fits together?

so...

what are we suposta do about this?

'easy question to answer, gang.

the next time you have to talk to an old person say something totally stupid first. like, "The cod fish have stolen my wristwatch.". or, "Satan called and he wants your knee socks." or maybe, if you really feel bold, "I'm having an affair with the poodle next door and we're thinking of naming the first child after you."

then, when they say, "What?", you can talk about the thing that you wanted to talk about in the first place. and they'll listen just fine, exactly like they would if you had said the same thing twice.

see?

i told you the answer was easy.

not only will you not think about beating the living shit out of old people (at least not as often) you'll also have something to giggle about while you're alone in the bathroom. don't think of it as being cruel. think of it as performance art. and remember, a lack of art can kill.

fucking old people, man.

i bet if you stuck a gun in some old windbag's fucking face they'd hear you just fine and goddamn dandy.