Crack? WHACK!

I think the government must be behind crack. Why else would it be so easy to get a hold of? Besides, I find it hard to believe that some broke jerks are hiding in a house in a bad neighborhood somewhere making the stuff in their bathroom. The main ingredient is cocaine, for Christ’s sake! That stuff costs a fortune if you buy it by the gram. What’s it cost to make a shitload of crack? Oh…a couple of zillion dollars? I’m not real good with numbers but I bet I’m in the ballpark.

Scoring the stuff is pretty gross too. You pull up on a side street and these rejects from “Return of the Living Dead” amble up to the truck, moaning like zombies, “Less brains. Less brains…” then you make the deal and they hand you a rock. Out of their mouths! No lie! You give them money and they pull a piece of crack out of their mouths and hand it over to you. See…the stuff is compressed so solid that it melts in your pipe and not in your mouth. You could swallow the shit and it wouldn’t hurt you. Or so they say. I’m not gonna try it to find out but if you have any beer feel free to give me a call.

I think that if you’re caught even holding crack the cops should shatter your kneecaps with a nightstick. It should be mandatory. Crack? Whack! Then, every week they should have these losers as guests on shows like “Oprah” and “DR. Phil”. The host would show you a semi-circle of eight or ten of these assholes in leg casts and wheelchairs and go down the line, one by one. “Are you ever going to do crack again?” “Are you fucking serious, Jerry? Look at my legs!” I bet it wouldn’t take very long for the next generation of kids to get the idea.

It’d be Pavlov by way of television.

Crack = broken legs and hospital food.

It’d work like a charm.

And another thing while I’m at it:

How come you never see sports heroes doing public service announcements that say, “Kids? Stay in school and learn to read. Look what it did for me!”? Then you’d pull back and see the guy sitting around a pool with a squad of bikini clad babes playing catch with a beach ball in the shallow end as he hits you with a big ass toothy smile and a full on thumbs up. After seeing this three or four times kids would be throwing their TV sets out the window and begging for a trip to the local library.

If you know what I mean.